This is the first of many blog posts about what I learned at Training Camp.
Each blog post will talk about specific stories and lessons learned, so I wanted to give a different blog space for each one.
P.S. For the sake of authenticity, I attempted to be as vulnerable as possible, so I didn’t filter anything. I’d love to hear your thoughts below in the comments!
P.S.S. If there’s a future racer reading this, and you had to switch squads, this one’s for you.
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My goal for the summer was to stay present.
I’m someone who typically always looks ahead towards the future, and focuses on what could be.
I’m a dreamer, an optimist, and an idealist.
I knew my time in Seattle was coming to a close, and I wanted to soak in every sweet moment of the time I had left in the most beautiful city.
I spent quality time with friends, I went to all of my favorite places, I took advantage of new opportunities, and I invested deeply in every minute.
It wasn’t until half way through the 4.5 hour plane ride to Atlanta, GA when it hit me… I could start getting excited for training camp.
I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t want to get too excited about it for the fear of hype and being let down by false expectations, and I didn’t want to worry over the challenges ahead. Instead, I chose not to think about it at all– so I stayed present.
I was picked up from the airport by smiling faces of my old squadmates on N Squad.
(((for context purposes: I was originally waitlisted on N Squad [Route 2], and was asked to switch to choose another route… so I chose Route 3: O Squad. I wrote a blog about it called Confirmations & Curveballs)))
We drove to Meredith’s house [shout out to Meredith’s family for their sweet hospitality and delicious brownies!!] to find 20+ N Squad squadmates.
I was SO excited to meet face-to-face with the people I had been communicating with all summer.
Through the laughter, awkward moments, and conversation, I felt such a sense of belonging with them– their likemindedness, their ability to not take themselves too seriously, the way they talked about God.
At one point it hit me… these weren’t going to be my people… and not by choice.
I had another squad waiting for me to jump on board.
We arrived at Training Camp the next day, and as I walked in with my green O-squad shirt surrounded by a sea of people in their blue N-squad shirts, it became clear to me that I had to jump ship to swim ashore to the land I was meant for.
The first two days of training camp exposed an emotion (or a lack of emotion) within me that I didn’t know I could experience: apathy.
If you know me in the slightest, you know that I am someone who feels. I love feeling all the feels. I experience great excitement and can always find reasons to choose joy, and I’m also someone who is contemplative with the low low’s. I feel at all ends of the spectrum, but I rarely experience feelings of indifference.
There was a point during the 2nd night of worship where I felt completely numb. I just didn’t feel anything, and I wasn’t sure why. If anything, I was mad at myself because I didn’t know why I was feeling so indifferent. I was sitting in the crowd awaiting for the speaker to conclude the session just so I could go back to my tent. I felt frustrated that I wasn’t excited to be there. It was an out-of-body experience, for sure.
I knew what I had to do.
I made eye contact across the room with one of our squad leaders, Hannah. I pulled her aside and asked her if she was free to talk and be a soundboard for me.
Typically whenever I am going through a challenging time,
I take a lot of time time to myself to figure it out.
I journal, I write, I reflect, I look at nature, I dream, and I think.
But there comes a time when the emotions from experiences start to cause turmoil within me. When I let them make a home within me, they think it’s okay to stay a while. When I keep them inside, they fester and toil… they start to distort truths and they alter perceptions. They gain power over me, and it impacts the way I view situations.
During those times, I know it’s crucial to externalize the things.
When we bring those internal tensions out into the light, they are exposed for what they really are.
When we lean on others, they are able to help us see it in a new light.
There is protection and blessing in seeking wise counsel, and it’s so important to externalize things.
Because when we do, they loose power over us.
When we choose to externalize, we are overcome with feelings of freedom. What once was weighing us down and holding us captive is now exposed. It doesn’t hold power over us anymore, and we can choose to walk in freedom. Freedom propels us out of the darkness and into the light. And we breath a bit easier because of it.
And so, when I chose to externalize what I hadn’t wrapped my brain around, Hannah– a person who I had just met– was able to help me understand what was causing the internal tension. This is why community is so important– we gain so much perspective from one another if we choose to have our ears open.
Hannah helped me realize that I hadn’t given myself space to experience sorrow.
I am typically someone who gets pumped up & stoked for things– I rally when times get tough.
So when I had a route/squad change, instead of making space for myself to feel sad about it, I rallied and forced myself to get excited about my new route. I knew my feelings of excitement would eventually catch up to me, so I just decided to be excited right away.
If there’s one thing I know, it’s that our emotions always find ways to catch up to us.
When we don’t give a certain emotion space– when we overlook it… ignore it… deny it… or choose not to acknowledge it– we create a false reality for ourselves.
True, it’s easier to not go through hard things– we would rather sweep it under the mat and act like it doesn’t exist. But that does a disservice to our hearts– and somehow and some way, that emotion will resurface and find it’s way to blow up in our faces when we least expect it.
OR we can choose to give the emotion space and externalize it.
It’s when we choose let people in to those hidden places in our hearts– the places we are shameful of, the places we act like don’t exist, the places that bring up deep hurt– THAT’S when we can experience freedom. Whether it’s something that has emotionally held our thoughts captive, or a tangible prison that used to hold us back– freedom is possible when we choose to let it be exposed.
Emotions follow choices.
That’s another important lesson I learned at training camp. I’ll write more on that later.
So when I chose to externalize and process with Hannah, she helped me realize a lot about myself.
I realized that I am a person who loves having things figured out. I’m a lover of closure, and I’m quick to put bookends on things for the sake of having them figured out. I wrap them up and find satisfaction in tying a bow on top to make it look pretty on the outside– making me feel put together. Once I’ve figured it out, I throw the present in the closet and don’t look back. What I realized was that I have a lot of presents in the closet, piled on top of each other.
Ripped wrapping paper, drooping boxes, tattered bows…
looking into this closet exposed the facade for what it really was: unacknowledged clutter.
Hannah helped me realize that I didn’t give myself space to feel sad about switching squads.
I rushed through those emotions, and didn’t experience them in their fullest.
While I initially tried to move on and get excited about the new squad, I realized there was a blockage that was letting me experience the joy I was craving.
This is the reason why I was feeling indifferent. I wasn’t able to get excited because my physical body halted the false version of self I was attempting to create.
So when I ignored my sadness and couldn’t feel excitement, I felt nothing at all.
So I cried. I externalized my sorrow of leaving people I felt a sense of belonging with, I confessed my upset for having to switch squads, my sadness with feeling alone, my frustration that I hadn’t felt likemindedness with the few interactions I had with people on my squad, my close-mindedness, my anguish as I watched a squad I felt so a part of bond without me, and my desire to not feel sad.
I externalized it all.
And you know what? When I chose to give those emotions space, and I felt freedom. A weight had been lifted from me. The things that were holding me captive lost their power over me.
Feelings follow choices.
We can experience freedom– we just have to choose it.
If you’re living in internal captivity… do you want to be free? Pick up your mat and walk.
Don’t let those emotions convince you you’re alone… externalize with community and let the light expose the darkness. Choose to find freedom.
And with that, I learned to be patient with my healing.
Things take time.
We can’t put a bandaid on a staff infection and call it good… we need to take the time to get the wound the proper care– healing takes time.
We can’t rush through it– we need to give it the proper space and time to heal.
And eventually, it will… because we’ve acknowledged that it’s there.
With that, here are the top takeaways I learned during the first 2 days of training camp:
-Give yourself space to feel sad
-It’s okay to not be okay– don’t put on a false version of self to please people
-Things take time
-Be patient– healing is a process– don’t try to speed through it
-Externalizing the things force them to loose their power over us
-God is teaching us things through the chaos
-Lead by example
-Community is powerful– lean on eachother for strength and perspective
-Get real with your feelings
On a similar note, I had the opportunity to take an emotional intelligence course during grad school, and it affirmed my love for active listening, emotional intelligence, and counseling. Here’s where I saw that show up within the first 2 days of training camp:
Hannah sat with me and listened. She let me cry, and she told me not to apologize for crying. In her attending silence, she wasn’t quick to insert her opinion… instead, she nodded and empathized. She validated my experiences and she empathized with my feelings. Even in the moments of silence, she let me process and gave me space– which exposed more things that needed to be brought into the light. Had she been quick to insert her opinion, I wouldn’t have realized what I needed to realize.
I think we’re really quick to fix people’s problems– I know I am. I know I have a tendency to list the solutions. I like troubleshooting and fixing people’s problems. Something I’ve learned within the last year is that there is so much value in not rushing to fix people’s problems. I’m not God. I can’t really fix their problem, but give them a temporary solution.
When we give people answers, it takes away from what God is trying to teach them. It’s something that has to be between them and God.
Trust that God is going to teach them the thing– in His way and in His timing.
So I’m learning how to sit with people in their pain.
On a similar note, I believe it’s extremely important to know someone’s heart before inserting an opinion. When we’re quick to give our opinion, we do so based off of surface level assumptions… but we need context. No one wins when when we assume.
A good practice– when we feel like the Lord is putting something on our hearts to share with someone after they externalized– is asking the person what they need.
My best friend Paige is really good at doing that.
She says: “Do you need me to listen or do you want some perspective?”
Both Hannah & Paige are gifted active listeners in this way.
So here are some takeaways from active listening:
-Listen
-Create space
-Empathize
-Affirm
-Make them feel like you’re the only person you’re listening to
-Eye Contact
-Body Posture (leaning in, uncrossed arms, listening face)
-Listen more
-Don’t be quick to fix people’s problems
-Sit with people in their pain
-After they’re done processing, ask them if they need you to listen or share some perspective
-Affirm truth over who they are
-Pray with them
All that to say, I am SO excited to be on O Squad!! I couldn’t imagine going on the race with anyone else! The Wolfpack is filled with GEMS who care deeply for one another, who are quick to make things lighthearted, who are bold in prayer, who laugh at themselves, who celebrate one another, and who glorify God in actions and words. They serve each other so well… and I’m so excited to learn from them! Seriously… such gifted individuals!! And I already miss them deeply and it’s only been a week… so you know I’m on a great squad 🙂
Just as an update, I’m $11,850 FUNDED!!!!! WOAH! GOD IS SO GOOD!
I’m $4,711 away from being FULLY FUNDED!!!!!!!!!
If you feel led to give (any amount is so appreciated… every $10 counts!), please donate here: https://www.adventures.org/give/donate.asp?giveto=worldrace&desc=Kelsey%20Nerland&appeal_id=NERLANDKELSEY
I can’t wait to share more of the stories and lessons I learned within a very short 10 days!
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Peace & Grace,
Kels
P.S. Have you watched the vlog I made at World Race Training Camp?! https://youtu.be/nkQqGUW1ep8
