HEY PALS. I want to start off by apologizing for the lack of blogging over the past couple of months. I spent a lot of time in Guatemala processing and reflecting on the past four months in Central America, and I didn’t update you all as to what I was ACTUALLY doing (ministry wise) in Guatemala. I’ll be sure to post a couple blogs on that, as it was an impactful month for me. During that time, though, I put together a nifty, thorough, heart-gushing newsletter to explain what God had been teaching me over the four months I spent in Central America… you can find that if you CLICK HERE!!
All this to say… hello! It’s been a while!
Guess what?! I’m in Malaysia… and it’s the end of Month 5! WHAT!?
I have some fun stories to share with you… but they need context.
So here we go:
To make a long story short, the Lord gave me a promise in the beginning of Costa Rica (#tbt to month 1), and I thought it would come into fruition during the course of my race. The Lord led me to believe some BIG things… all to find out that the door had been shut and I was left to face the reality that it would not come into fruition. My initial close-mindedness didn’t allow me to take perspective or dream up what the Lord was ACTUALLY trying to teach me, and I was left bitter and hurt. I scoffed it off, and acted like it wasn’t a big deal and that it didn’t affect me. ((((what I recently learned was that the Lord gives us promises… not timetables)))
Well well well… it took me a month, but last week I realized how hurt I really felt.
The Lord hurt me, and I didn’t acknowledge it all that much.
Usually when people hurt me, I distance myself from them and try to act strong through it—and then I ask the Lord for perspective and I ask Him to soften my heart and point out the areas I could grow in (because let’s get real… when someone hurts us, it usually says more about our ego than theirs).
Since the Lord was the one who hurt me this time around, I distanced myself from Him, tried to act strong through it, and depended on myself.
Big uh-oh, as self-reliance is one of my short fallings.
Every month I try different spiritual disciplines to sharpen my relationship with the Lord. EVERYTHING I was trying to do over this past month in Malaysia failed… big time. I failed so much that I started to loose all motivation to try.
There was a clear problem with all of this… I was relying on myself to discipline myself… there was nothing spiritual about it.
So last week, I was sitting in a coffee shop… and I had a huge revelation about the reality I was sitting in. I was running from the Lord and depending on myself. yippee!! learning this same lesson over and over again!!
It was at that point that I confessed my brokenness and my deepest, sincerest apologies from distancing myself from Him. I repented, and turned towards the Lord.
Now… this is a daily practice in my faith: confession, repentance, grace, forgiveness, dependence, freedom. This time around… something was different.
I had messed up so many times, that when I repented… it didn’t feel like enough.
For the first time in my life, I was having trouble accepting the Lord’s grace and mercy.
While the Lord has been giving me glimpses of insight to why that has been, I can’t say I know fully why that may be.
Spiritually, Penang is dark. I’ll talk about this in an upcoming blog… but the spiritual warfare is heavy here. While I completely take ownership over listening to the enemy (aka, the inner me), I have also been feeling the weight of oppression of the dark atmosphere around me, and I have felt a lack of motivation to step into full freedom.
I’ve been feeling like I’m in a unique funk—and I’ve never felt like this in my spiritual walk.
So SIDE NOTE: in order to keep the distractions to a minimum to help me focus, I’m giving up social media for the next month or so (with a few stipulations)
… so thank you for understanding if you don’t see me posting!
The Lord speaks to me in pictures.
So the other day, I asked God to give me a picture of the season I was in… hoping His clarity would help me make sense of what I was experiencing.
If you can’t read the top left corner, it says: SCOREBOARD: Sin= 100+ // Kelsey= turned towards the Lord 1x
He gave me the picture of a boxing ring.
I was in a boxing match.
It was me vs. my sin.
My sin kept beating me up over and over again.
Throwing punches right and left, my sin was putting forth it’s greatest efforts, and was clearly winning.
In desperation, I turned towards the Lord.
I threw 1 single punch…
Immediately, I was named victorious.
I won.
I was awarded a gold metal, and confetti was raining all over me.
I was in shock.
I didn’t feel like I earned it, and I certainly didn’t deserve it.
But I won.
This is a picture of the Lord’s grace and mercy.
“But wait… my sin put up a WAY better fight… my sin deserves the win!”
“I only turned towards the Lord ONE TIME… and that was enough to name me the winner?! How can it be?!!”
His grace is countercultural, and it doesn’t make sense. It’s a free gift we did nothing to deserve.
And I still don’t feel like I deserve it.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wrench like me!
“Broken Vessels” by Hillsong is the song of my season: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiyYoe678yI
This month, I’m learning the weight of His grace and mercy—how insane it actually is.
Time and time again this month, I have failed… and I know I’m going to keep failing.
Jesus died on the cross for ME and YOU… FULLY knowing we would sin against Him time and time again. It didn’t stop Him from sacrificing Himself so that we could walk in freedom!
This is why the Gospel is so crazy!!
Jesus’ love for us wasn’t based on feelings.
Jesus wasn’t like, “mmm, in an hour you’re going to sin against me and not even care… yeah, why would I want to die for you? You’re just going to keep hurting me!”
Jesus’ love isn’t based on feelings.
His love is based on actions.
He CHOSE to love us, and He PROVED His love for us by choosing to sacrifice Himself on the cross for us… knowing we would sin over and over again.
THAT’S how much He loves us.
There’s NOTHING more or less we can do to earn His love!!
He loves us just as we are!!
Whether we’re feeling the lowest of low or we’re feeling like the best version of ourselves, Jesus loves us just as we are.
He calls us ENOUGH, and His grace is MORE THAN ENOUGH for us.
He delights in giving us grace… it’s nothing we need to work for.
So here I am… in my dull, low of life.
Sitting here wondering why God would take me back over and over… knowing fully well how I’ll keep sinning against Him and choosing to be self-reliant.
He loves me anyway.
I’m enough for His love.
A friend of mine in Seattle [shout out to Bethany Suess] gave me a… what I realized was really a… prophetic word for this season. In an email, she said, “I pray you’re doing well and understanding more and more of God’s heart for you as his daughter (period. not “daughter who does amazing ________ for God”) and his heart for others.”
I think for so long, I accepted the Lord’s grace and mercy because I was doing ____, ____, and ____ to advance His Kingdom. I was in relationship with and pursuing Christ! So of course it was easy for me to accept His grace and mercy! I think the works-based part of my heart felt like I deserved it if I was in communion with Him.
But I’ve been feeling so distant from Him… feeling like I have nothing to offer… feeling like I am not good enough for His love… so it’s been difficult to fully accept His free gift of grace and mercy. I did nothing to deserve it.
He’s teaching me that I am enough.
He loves me at my dullest low.
I don’t have to do anything to earn His love, grace, or mercy.
It’s a free gift I always have access to.
All I need to do is turn away from myself and turn towards Him.
There’s a gold metal and a celebration waiting.
The Lord is teaching me to worship through art, recently!!
He’s got new grace + mercy waiting for us… all day, every day.
His love for us is absolutely coconuts!! But you’ll have to wait till my next blog to hear more on that 😉
Peace + grace,
Kels
Leave a comment below if you care to share your thoughts! 🙂
