Kelsey People Pleaser Kraus could have been my middle name.
For as long as I can remember I have been wrapped in the chains of pleasing other people.
I have constantly put aside my own emotions, thoughts, and ideas so much that I literally couldn’t think for myself. I would spend so much time in conversation with people not even listening to what they were saying because I was so focused on coming up with something that I knew they wanted to hear or would think was funny. Pleasing people got to be so bad that I couldn’t even decide what my own personal wants and needs were anymore. I was so focused on what other people wanted and not disappointing or upsetting them that I became a doormat. I use to disguise this feeling of being walked all over by other people and call myself “selfless” but really I just couldn’t stand up for myself. I would have ideas but would never speak up and share them because I didn’t want to stir up conflict or be different than everyone else.
However, it’s not fair to live like that. It’s not fair to the people that I have relationships with because it was full of lies a lot of the time, not fair to myself because I was constantly feeling worthless, and not fair to God, the God of the universe who created me exactly how I am on purpose. I wasn’t glorifying Him when I was trying to be someone I wasn’t.
Last month in El Salvador I was having quiet time with Jesus and I was frustrated. I was frustrated with the Lord and with myself. Frustrated because I had finally had enough of the people pleasing chains that dragged me down every single day. For months I have been asking for the Lord to reveal himself more to me. I want to be able to hear His voice louder than anything else in my life. Louder than the voices of this world that tell me the opposite of God’s truth. But in the middle of me being upset with God and crying out to Him to show up and speak to me, I heard Him.
“Kelsey, if you want to hear my voice than you need to start using yours.”
Woah God.
In that moment I was terrified. I wanted to change for so long but for so long I wasn’t willing to change. Because change is hard and uncomfortable. But that is the funny thing. When we become real with ourselves and recognize that we’re not perfect and we become willing to change to become more like Christ He responds to that obedience. Only through Christ can I break free from struggles that have weighed me down for years.
For the past few weeks The Lord has been giving me situations where I have to speak up and use my voice and honestly it has been hard. But so worth it. Where I have to say “no” to something or someone and not feel guilty about it. Where I have to look at my values and stand firm in them despite how different they are from others around me. Where I have to embrace conflict and manage it in a healthy way. Or having to tell a team mate constructive feedback even when I’m terrified and my voice shakes. God also has a sense of humor and has been having me use my voice for worship in Spanish and Albanian on the guitar that I have only been playing for 5 months. Life hasn’t been easier but it has been so much better and freeing when I am completely focused on pleasing God instead of the people around me.
“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10
Day by day the Lord is giving me freedom in this area that I have been captive in for so long. True freedom comes when we don’t need to be somebody special in other peoples eyes because we know that we are loveable and worth enough. The more that I realize how valuable, worthy, and loved that I truly am it makes so much more sense to live for God’s approval instead of mans.
If you want to set people free, you need to be free from people.
