Earlier this week we were asked to share something in our past that was holding us back. There are certain aspects of my testimony that I am always nervous to share. I knew I’m supposed to share it when they asked for volunteers and my throat was almost shut, I was fighting back tears, sweating & shaking. Those are typical signs in my life when I am convicted, waiting my turn to share what I know the enemy doesn’t want me to say. After I spoke a girl thanked me for my obedience.
That isn’t the first time someone has said that to me. Typically I feel I usually obey the holy spirit pretty quickly. I actually thought to myself. “I pretty much always obey. I don’t know how people don’t obey their convictions” Two hours later I was brought to my knees with the pride in that statement.
As I have been preparing for this race I find myself over and over compartmentalizing what God will handle and what is my responsibly to care for. The fundraising is all God. Yet I am constantly thinking ahead and I have continually stressed about all the money for my gear and things for my pack. $15 for Tylenol + $25 for razor blades really adds up. I decided I would be smart and pick up things little by little in the months preparing. As I was shopping I had a sweet friend come by and ask if I needed any help with my supplies. You might think “who would turn down an offer like that?” Me and my prideful self.
I left feeling so stupid and convicted. That’s when God wrecked me right there in the target parking lot. I am not good at accepting help. I knew that it was God lending me a hand and showing me he wants to provide for all things. But I stubbornly turned it down. I was reminded of how prideful I have been. Truly a good part of my quickness to obey is because I love jesus, but what I never admitted to myself if I hate feeling convicted. I hate the fact that I feel like I can’t breathe. I hate the sweating. I want it to be over.
But in all honestly, like everybody else, if my wants outweigh the uncomfortable feeling, I will always choose my desires. In little ways time and time again, I have been placing all the responsibility back into my own hands. I had directly refused the help I had been so desperately been praying for. My pride had robbed me of God’s blessings.
Don’t get me wrong..God has already blessed me with so much in preparation for this trip but how much more have I been missing because I refused to accept help? I sat there in my car sobbing repenting to God and kicking myself over a missed opportunity. That’s when I remembered the training we had in life group not even two hours before. The enemy likes to remind us of our past to rob us of our future. I could sit there and replay my stupidity over and over and over and OVER. Or I could do something about it. Either humble myself and accept the help offered or move on.
I will obey him because he asked me to NOT to avoid being uncomfortable.
I will obey Jesus because I love him NOT for the blessing he gives.
But more than that I choose to praise him for what he’s already done.
Someone asked me a few weeks ago to blog about God’s provision so far. The more I think on all the individual miracles I had experienced thus far my heart is about to explode with thankfulness. When I change my perspective to praise I am calmed by the testimony of his love and provision.
– I have over 20% of my funds in my account.
– I have $567 in monthly partners. Money is literally constantly coming into the account.
– I received $115 in coins from just one of the 11 jars in my “adopt a jar” campaign.
– Several hundred dollars of gear has been paid for by supporters.
– My dear friend filled her arms with random assorted things at REI and informed me I couldn’t stop her from buying me things I needed and constantly blesses me with meals when we go out to help me save my money.
-One of my sweet friends said God told her to empty her wallet and give me everything and handed me a wad of cash totally over $120
-Before I even pitched my presentation another friend gave $110 and spoke an incredible word over me of it representing $10 a month and God’s provision for each month even while i’m gone.
– Several monthly partners have signed up without me even getting a change to follow up and explain my trip after I sent them my letter.
-People have come up to me without me even asking wondering how they can support.
– A coworker I barely new told me she wanted to give simply because I needed to feel supported
-Another coworker out of nowhere said God laid it on her heart to give me $100 for whatever use I see fit.
-When I have been desperate for my parents to understand why I am choosing this, God has placed other friends parents who have been like family who constantly tell me how proud they are of me.
There are so many stories like this that have happened in the few months as I’ve been raising funds. When I sit down and remember what he’s already done I am overwhelmed by his grace. Despite me taking things into my own hands, despite my pride, he still blesses me. And now I know that there is more where that comes from. If I can humble myself, get rid of my pride and choose to let others help me I can see the full extent of his love and provision.
