So somewhere along this road my obsession and desire for more of God turned into my life. I don’t exactly know where the shift happened. I don’t guess it really matters honestly but all of sudden I’m sitting here at final debrief kind of looking over the last year and the last three years really of following Jesus and what I’m seeing is that, following Jesus is no longer just this “thing” I’m trying out for a while to see how it works until something bigger and better comes along. I’ve been changed so much in the past few years that following Jesus is just my life. It’s who I am. But not “just” my life, IT IS ALL I’ve ever wanted and longed for. I’ve come to the point where yeah I can sit and read tons of books and read the bible cover to cover and all of that is well and good. I’ve totally flooded my brain with as much knowledge as I could get my hands on. I’ve prayed the prayers and sang the songs. This year has taken me into a huge shift in my spiritual walk though. I say spiritual walk as if it’s any different from anything else going on in my life. I could say a shift in my life or how I perceive things but for the context of trying to get you to understand what it is I’m talking about let’s just call my life my spiritual walk. My shift has been this, I can’t just continue to read and absorb and not walk the walk. I’ve got the good words but if I’m not practicing what I’m preaching I’m really just missing the entire point. I can overload my brain with a wealth of God books and tell everyone what’s on my mind but if I’m not actually living it out, I’m just another one of the hypocritical Christians. A noisy gong. The ones we all see that make us really question if there is a God. We all know the type. I don’t want to say one thing and do the other. I’ve done that long enough.
This year has been extremely well at pointing out my flaws. It has really shown me the times where I’m not practicing what I’m preaching. More then anything I can see who I am in the Spirit and who I am when it’s just flesh and bones. In that sense it wasn’t all that pretty but what an opportunity God has given me! We hear the saying “I’m at the end of myself” There’s been times I’ve thought I knew what that meant but for whatever reason it’s clicking for me lately. So to really give you a little more insight, I am no longer going out on Kingdom Journeys in January. It is simply not the time. The race brought me to the end of myself. The race has shown me, ok you can either go the way you’ve been going and probably live a decent mediocre Christian life OR you can die to your flesh and your desires and truly receive what it is I want for you. It was easy for me to think the idea of Kingdom Journeys was a calling from God. I prayed about it for a long time. I even went and met some of the Kingdom Journeys guys in the middle of the desert to learn more about it. I really thought I had it figured out ya know and nothing about the trip sounds like it couldn’t have been from God. The thing is, this isn’t what he is walking me into in this next season, post-race.
So what do I think that looks like? Where do I really think God is taking me right now? NO IDEA!! I guess that’s ok. It’s a little nerve racking. Just the uncertainty of it all. I’ve always been really bad about projecting the future and wondering what’s next. I reckon he’s trying to relieve me of that added stress as well and learn to trust him more. That’s cool I guess. What I do know is that this next season is a season of discipleship and mentorship. He’s really wanting to make sure the foundation of my faith is strong enough to withstand the calling in which he’s walking me into.
So yeah with the idea that following Jesus, is my life now, how could I really go on this trip knowing in my heart of hearts that’s not where he’s moving for me personally? I can’t. I’d rather humble myself and tell my family and supporters hey I’m not going in January now, then to miss out on what He’s got for me. I’ve said it a thousand times, He will never take from me and give me less. He’s always wanted the best for me. I’ve slowed his will down for my life long enough even as a Christian. I’m ready to become the man he wants me to be. I’m tired of just simply being Kelsey. I don’t know what he’s doing. I don’t know what any of this is going to look like. I am stepping into the unknown and trusting he will guide me. He is my magnificent obsession! He is all I’ve ever wanted and I will stop at nothing to have more of him.
More then anything I want to thank those who have supported me thus far. The money you’ve sent has not disappeared and there is definitely possibility of another trip in the near future. Let’s just see what happens!
