I can come up with a list of things that I want. Money, clothes, cars, shoes, my career, my wife even. But when I think about my purpose and where God wants to take me are any of these things something my heart truly desires? Not really no. Well maybe other then my wife that’d be pretty cool. None the less, what does my heart truly desire in fulfilling Gods purpose for my life? I honestly cant answer that question. I have no idea. I was challenged with this question and for the life of me couldn’t think of what I would want God to give me to fulfill the desires of his heart for me. So I asked him. Holy Spirit what is it that you want to give me in the pursuit of the destiny you have set out before me? His reply, “a compassionate heart for the lost souls of this world.” Hmm, so I had to think about this one.
I think as a christian its easy to say oh yeah I wish everyone knew who Jesus was. And at times my heart does genuinely have this desire. Just wanting people to know him that is and I mean truly KNOW him. Not what you heard from your grandma or were taught at Sunday school. I mean to have really tasted and seen the Fathers love. Sometimes I do long to see everyone I know and everyone around me to just have a little taste of the love that I’ve felt because I know if you could just feel the way I feel sometimes then man, your entire life would be forever changed. His power is that overwhelming. I remember the first time I was ever consumed by his love. It wasn’t when I received salvation or during a worship service at a cool concert, although I have felt his presence in these places. I was laying in bed in a hotel room in Portland, Oregon a month or so before launch. I was just simply praying and all of a sudden the spirit of God fell on me and my body began trembling almost violently it felt like electric shocks from the top of my head through my toes. I began crying and speaking in tongues and sweating. I had no clue why or what was happening other then knowing that I was catching a little tiny glimpse of Papas touch. My friend Steve used to say if we were to ever experience the fullness of his love it would completely crush us. This was the closest I had been to feeling crushed by God. It was insane and I laid there like that for nearly 3 hours trembling and crying out before my King. It was beautiful. It was amazing. It changed my life. Its times like these I wish everyone could know Jesus cause man its astronomical the feels!
A lot of times these thoughts are just fleeting thoughts though. Instead it should probably be a driving force in my life, it’s honestly not. I think in a sense it is easy for me to love children and the sick, or even a beggar on the side of the road. But would I lay my life down to make my King known to the multitude? At times yeah, does God want to change my mindset? Yeah I believe he does. I want the kind of heart that’s willing to risk it all for his kingdom. I want to be driven by the desires he has for my life. I want all of him. I don’t want to deny bits and pieces to fit my level of comfortability or my schedule . This isn’t my life in the first place. If I am believing that then I must first deny myself. We hear that a lot right, decrease so he can increase. Die to yourself daily. But what does it mean to deny or die to myself? I think it’s giving up what I want and going after what the Father wants.
For me when I think about denying myself and how do I do that. It brings to mind loving myself. Why? Cause I’m hard on myself. It’s hard for me to love me. If I am loving myself I am in turn dying to myself if that makes any sense. One example is how I treat myself physically. It’s so much easier for me to gorge myself with food and go kick it on the couch and do nothing. And maybe thats ok sometimes but for me, I can do that all day everyday and not think twice about it. Ultimately because I don’t truly love who I am. I’ve always been self conscious I’ve also always been extremely hard on my body simply because I do not care. This has come to light for me on the race. It’s super easy to go buy a bunch of fried street food and go chill back at the room. It’s not easy to eat vegetables and exercise. This is where I have personally been practicing dying to my self. I must love myself so that I can die to myself so that I can fulfill God’s purpose for my life. What if in God teaching me to love myself and care about his temple, not my body but his temple, I am in step coming closer to fulfilling his call on my life. What if these lost souls are out in villages in the middle of no where and the only way to get to them is to trek. I really want to be able to GO when he says GO. Does this make any sense?
I have no clue if he is calling me to remote villages lol I have no clue what he’s up to. What I do know is A) He wants me to love myself B) He wants me to die to myself C) He wants me to love the very people he called us ALL to love with his great commission. Maybe it’s just for the race, maybe it’s for a lifetime. Who knows? I’ll fight for his heart. I’ll chase his dream with every fiber in me. You can call me a puppet. You can call me a pawn in his chess match. That’s ok! This is the closest to freedom I will ever find here on Earth. And what’s funny… It all started with LOVE!
