Have you ever asked the Lord for something, received it and then immediately wished you had not asked for it? I did. Prior to leaving Rwanda I knew I had some pain I needed to sit in; some wrestling with the Lord I needed to do. Processing pain in public is not something I’m fond of, although living in community 24/7 makes it difficult to find an isolating space where the only person who can hear you is God. So, I decided it would be a wise idea to ask the Lord for my own personal space in order to process with Him and only Him.
Two weeks later we walked into our new home in Uganda. It was massive, not by American standards, but compared to what we have been living in the last 10 months I felt as if I had just entered into a castle. As we looked around we began to realize something, almost all of us were able to have our own rooms. We were elated, like little kids on Christmas morning! I brought my bags into my room and took it all in – one bed, one chair, one table and a space to put my clothing. As I stood there, in my own room, with the door closed it hit me – God answered my prayer.
Reality immediately set in. My own personal space could only mean one thing – sitting in pain. I felt His tug, He heard my request and He answered. I was thankful for His attention to my prayer, yet I could not help but to feel as if His answer was a tad bit sassy. I felt as if He was saying, “You knew what I was guiding you to walk through, but your stubborn and have stipulations for vulnerability so I’m going to answer your prayer. I’m going to give you your own space and I’m going to give it to you sooner than you expected. You thought you would sit in this pain and learn from Me once at home in the United States – wrong. I’m giving you your own room and we’re going to sit and learn today. In fact, we’re going to sit in pain and walk through learning all month.”
…See what I mean, a bit sassy. I know God is a gentleman and it’s most likely my melodramatic emotions which caused me to imagine Him responding in such a tone. But still, I felt as if He was sticking it to me…well, to my stipulations and stubbornness.
I remained slightly peeved with God for the entire first week in Uganda. A little word of advice, if you’re peeved about sitting in pain and walking into growth with God you’re not going to win. Don’t bother putting your energy into being peeved, it’s a waste of your time. For me, a week was too much wasted time. Everyday I felt the tug to sit with Him in pain. Everyday I avoided the pain like it was the black plague, and everyday I felt more and more restless, uncomfortable, irritated and tired. My energy was being exerted toward the wrong thing; it was being wasted.
When I finally tapped out of the wrestling match I was not even supposed to be in and entered into the one intended for me life became a lot easier. The whole My yoke is light and My burden is easy thing is true. Instead of fighting alone, I now I had a teammate, a partner I could tap into the ring when I felt my energy levels decreasing. This new wrestling match has gone on for multiple rounds and it’s still going, but so far it has looked a little something like this —
Round 1: Acknowledge the pain He desires you to sit in.
Whether this be an isolated incident, a season of life, a relationship or something else He has been tugging on your heart on your heart to acknowledge. (If He has not been tugging on your heart and you desire to rid yourself of some worldly pollution, I encourage you to ask Him to reveal an area He desires you to acknowledge.)
Round 2: Sit in the pain.
It’s easy to avoid this step; to fill your life so busy you don’t have time to reflect on the past. But reflecting is the first step in learning and learning is necessary in order to enter into spiritual, emotional and mental maturity.
Round 3: Grieve the loss of life.
When painful things occur our lives are forever changed and in order to move forward often we must first grieve the loss of our previous life.
Round 4: Release the pain.
This is not ignoring the painful experience or denying its existence, but instead recognizing it is of the past and the past it where it belongs. Release the pain, unchain yourself from it, leave it on the ground and walk away into the future without it’s dead weight.
Round 5: Listen.
Listen to His quiet, yet steady voice. Listen to the truth’s He has to reveal. Listen to the lies He’s uncovering and urging you to let go of. Listen to how loved you are by Him.
Round 6: Take the time to understand.
Take the time to understand your worth is not contingent upon the decisions of another person. While their decisions may have caused you pain, their decisions do not define your worth. Your worth does not decrease because someone else is an idiot.
Round 7: Learn about you.
God has a lot to teach every single one of us about who we are; about our identities. When painful experiences occur we often think in a pessimistic manner… Jack / Jill made decision x. If I were __________ (good enough, intelligent enough, pretty enough, fit enough, funny enough, etc.) Jack / Jill would not have made decision x. We blame who we are as the cause for other people’s decisions. The reality is, we do not force other people to make decision x, they make it on their own and your identity has nothing to do with their decision. Learn about yourself, listen to God as He teaches you your identity is not entangled in their decisions. Your identity is it’s own entity. As is Jack’s / Jill’s decision x.
Round 8: Distinguish division.
Jack / Jill may be another person in your life, but Jack or Jill could also be you. As humans we often harbor bitterness and pain when we’ve been hurt. We identify a person’s decision as their character, their identity. Because we view their decisions as who they are we have difficult time forgiving them. Forgiveness is why distinguishing division is important. Every single individual in this world falls short, makes a bad decision, takes a wrong turn – whatever your choice of wording is. Jack’s / Jill’s decision x is not their identity. Their decision x was a moment of falling short. The moment of falling short caused you pain. While Jack / Jill made that decision, their decision does not define who they are.
Round 9: Forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a double edged sword, in a good way. When you’re able to distinguish division between an individual and their decision, you’re able to forgive the person for the incident without harboring a negative perspective of their character or identity. Forgiving the decision concurrently enables you to continue walking in freedom. I’m sure you’ve heard this lyrical line before, “Death where is your sting? The resurrected King has rendered you defeated.” When we walk in un-forgiveness, we are shackled by the sting of death. Yet Jesus died on the cross for our sins, for our ability to be forgiven and to forgive. When we forgive the decision of Jack / Jill we are telling Satan the sting of death has no power over us. Un-forgiveness is not stronger than the power and authority we have as co-heirs of the Kingdom of God. When we assert our power and authority to forgive, we walk in freedom instead of in shackles.
Round 10: When you forgive, you love.
When you choose to walk in un-forgiveness, you choose to put an iron castle around you heart. You choose hate instead of love.You choose to harbor negative emotions such as, anger and a negative perspective over allowing love to fill your heart and viewing people through the lens of the love of Christ. Yet when you choose to forgive, you choose to continue allowing your heart to be soft. You choose to trust God is working things out for good in a manner your limited human understanding cannot fathom or see. I believe a quote from The Encounter says it best, “If you want to love, you have to abandon hate. Don’t let anger steal your joy.”
Round 11: Radiating His joy.
It’s inevitable, when you choose to live as Christ – when you choose forgiveness, when you choose love, when you choose to see the division between the effects of a fallen world verses a person’s identity, when you choose to listen to His truths and walk in confidence in your identity in Christ – you will radiate His joy. Why? Because His joy is our strength and while it would be cool to be a superhero and think we can accomplish fighting all those rounds on our own, we cannot. It is only through being filled with the strength of the Lord, His joy, that we are able to endure round after round. And when the pain is gone, when the brokenness Satan tried to pollute you with is gone, because you chose to fight the fight with your teammate, God, the only thing left in the ring at the end of the match will be His joy radiating from within you.
Eleven rounds may seem long, but the fight is not over. How many more rounds there are I don’t know. And to be honest, I’m still in Round 8. But the cool part about having God as your teammate is He is constantly preparing you, training you, for the next few rounds. Spending time in His presence not only fills you with His joy, but prayerful time in His presence also enables you to have your eyes opened a little – to have foresight. Perseverance in prayer enables you to have things revealed to you, you otherwise would not be able to see through human eyes.
Prayer and perspective go hand-in-hand. In order to pray, you have to spend time in His presence. When you spend time in His presence you’re enabled to see the world through the perspective of Christ, love, and filled with His joy. When you’re filled with His joy, you have the strength to endure the rounds.
Would you do it?
Would you ask Him for the space and time you need to sit in pain?
Would you persevere in order to grow into more of Christ’s likeness and reflect more of His character?
