UGH! What do I write about??
Seriously, the stress of having to write a blog has been overtaking my every thought!
First of all, I’m not good at writing, nor do I write quickly. It will probably take me, oh I don’t know, a week to get a single blog entry written…Then I think to myself, “Kelsey, you can’t take that long these blogs are how God is going to share HIS STORY with other people.”
Yep, there comes the stress again, people are going to be watching me, looking at me, reading my words. Oh…what’s that little thing Cindy [[my mentor]] tried to teach me when we first began meeting – “I hear a lot of ME, where is the HE?”
Gut check!
What am I doing? Why am I stressing out? Why am I putting such high standards on this blog and my own writing abilities? Why am I not stopping and praying asking the Holy Spirit to come over me and use me? Why am I not trusting Him? Why am I not handing this over to God, laying it down at His feet and saying,
“Father, help!
I don’t understand the purpose of this blog, but YOU DO.
I don’t know the lives of each person who is reading or going to read this, but YOU DO.
I don’t have to words to say, but YOU DO.
Please Abba, take me and push me aside.
Don’t let me get in the way of You.
Do not let the words that come out of my mouth and onto the page be my words, but instead use me as a vessel for You to complete Your work!
I want to be Your servant, Your hands and feet and today if that means my fingers type words on a page, then let it be.
Let Your purpose prevail.
Let Your love shine through.
Let Your words and Your story touch the hearts of every individual who reads what You have to share Lord.
Not my will Lord, but Yours be done.
Not my story, but Yours be told…”
Man, it’s amazing how a little prayer can bring such peace <3
The past two years and two months have rarely made much sense in the moment. They have been years of extremely high highs and extremely low lows. They have been years where change is the only constant. The change is not recognizable in the day to day, but when I take a moment to look back at what my life was and then look at where my life is, I see the change.
Quite a few corner stone moments have occurred over the past couple of years for God to mold my heart and mind into what they are today. I’m telling y’all now, God has had some hard manual labor to do in my life – it was not and is not an easy job, so mad props to Him! But bear with me, because I don’t feel led to share all of the little “ah ha” moments I’ve had with y’all quite yet. God has pressed on my heart to share with y’all the one thing I have learned from Esther that really stuck with me!
Esther? You ask…
Yes, Esther.
I know what you’re thinking, “Oh I learned about her when I was a child in Sunday school. What is there to learn about a “Bible Disney story” now that I’m grown..?”
Y’all if you have not taken the time to sit down and read Esther, and I mean REALLY READ Esther, you’re missing out! There is so much we can learn from the book of Esther. Yes you heard me right – not just the girl, the book. If we would all take the time to slow down we can learn a lot from the intricate details. But I only want to share one of the many things I learned with you from Esther. It was the greatest lesson her cousin, Mordecai, could have taught her and the one thing God used to begin my walk down a road toward the World Race…
When Esther was faced with doing something she did not want to do Mordecai challenged her by saying,
“And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this…”
~ Esther 4:14b
I know Mordecai was referring to the royal position that she had recently obtained, but when first reading this I could not help but think about my life and God’s Kingdom. It cut my heart so deeply — in a good way! Oh my gosh, why had I never been impacted like that before?!
So many things spiraled through my brain..! Had I experienced all the things in life I had up until this point because God was going to use me now? Wait a minute, how could He use me now? I know nothing! I’m a “baby Christian” I’ve only recently began truly pursuing a personal relationship with Christ..!
But none the less, it stuck with me… I would hear it when I was driving in the car, I would feel it impressed on my heart all throughout the day and in the moments when life became almost too difficult again I would be reminded through my tears,
“Kelsey, who knows whether you have not come the the kingdom, MY Kingdom, for such a time as this…”
No matter what happened, no matter how difficult I thought life was and I wanted to run away from God again, I couldn’t… I finally realized I was made for a purpose.
No matter how grand life was going and how badly I wanted to take credit for my life’s awesomeness, I couldn’t… I knew God was slowly beginning to reveal to me I was created for Him and everything spectacular happening in my life was because of Him.
I have never looked at life the same since God spoke to me while reading the story of Esther. Don’t get me wrong, I mess up [[ everyday ]] and sin all the time, but my heart – it has been forever changed! From that day forward I was no longer living life for me, whether I realized it in the moment or not I began living my life for God. I began praying, asking consistently,
“Father,
Soften my heart and mind, mold them into exactly what You intended them to be.
Give me the strength to be everything You have called me to be!”
Little did I know, He was guiding me down the first few steps of a path to becoming a missionary! <3
