Being at the beginning of the alphabet has always been a blessing and a curse for me. Sure there is that rare occasion when some leader or teacher decides to switch things up, for the most part, having the last name Amann has always meant that I have to go first. Normally it is not something that bothers me but when they announced last night that letters A-E would have the first opportunity to blog all I could think was “I’m not ready”.
Now when it comes to blogging that just meant that I felt like I had nothing to say. I don’t have any insights or spiritual revelations to share yet. But to be honest the three words “I’m not ready” have been the overwhelming theme of my entire experience at training camp so far. If I were being REALLY honest, I might even reveal that my first night at camp I spent quite some time in a cold, dark tent wondering WHAT I was thinking when I signed up for this and running through ideas on how I could get out of it. I’ve spent the last few days in extreme physical pain and quite a bit of emotional pain on top of that. God has definitely provided me with uplifting moments, times of connecting with Him, and bonding with my teammates that’s kept me sane but for the much of the time I have felt very disconnected and not myself. I think the worst part of all this was that I felt SO ashamed of how I was feeling. Why is it that while everyone around me is worshipping whole heartedly and feeling ecstatic about leaving in 7 weeks that a part of me is wishing I’d never signed up at all?
Now if between my last blog and this one you are all officially tired of hearing me whine, you’ll be happy to know that this morning I woke up feeling refreshed (as refreshed as you can feel waking up in a tent and not having the opportunity to shower) and maybe even a little joyous. Stepping out in faith is HARD and it is supposed to be. No one ever said this would be easy and beating myself up over every doubt will only make it worse. My relationship with God has always been a process and my process might take a little longer than others but I am okay with that, and so is God.
If you came here hoping to have some spiritual knowledge laid on you, I am sorry to disappoint but trust me, God isn’t finished with me yet and there are going to be some pretty epic blogs for you to read throughout this upcoming year. And the best part, for all my non world race readers, is I’m going to go first and maybe, if you feel led… You’ll come next 🙂
