Sometime during September I had an idea for a blog. I wrote the title “Battle Scars” on a post-it note on my desktop and made a mental note to write the body later. The only problem was that I had NO idea what the blog was really about. Each time I sat down to write it I realized that I didn't have a clue what I wanted to say. So for almost 3 months now I've periodically stared at an empty word document with the title “Battle Scars” staring back at me.
This morning during my quiet time, I finally cracked open a book that has been recommended to me numerous times. Midway through chapter 2, I found the jumbled and mix-matched words of my heart perfectly articulated…
“I loved those years. Those years made me believe in the journey and respect it, the way you respect deep water if you've ever swam out too far and been surprised by the waves. I know what that journey can do in people. I know what it did to me and I don't take it lightly. I have fought some sobering scars and memories that I carry with me as reminders of that season. They remind me how dangerous that path is, and how beautiful.”
(Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life)
I can't tell you how many times that I've looked back on certain years of my life and been ashamed. Not ashamed at WHAT I did but ashamed of how I felt about it. To be honest, I was ashamed for NOT being ashamed. They years I partied and drank too much, the years I flirted too much and kissed too many boys, the years I was angry and unforgiving, the years I was insecure, selfish, arrogant, and prideful. I don't regret those years. I hold those years in a place deep in my heart- a place that I cherish.
The scars on my heart are a lot like my physical battle scars. The small indent in my chest will always remind me of the years that I battled cancer and won. What might appear to be an imperfection or a pockmark to others will always be a symbol of beauty and triumph for me.
The imperfections of my past are no different. They make me who I am today. I can fully appreciate the unfailing love of my heavenly Father because of the years that I rejected love and doubted that it existed. I cherish the joy I get from abiding with the Lord because of the pain and embarrassment that my partying caused me. I can feel the full weight of my God's forgiveness because of vast array of things there are for Him to forgive.
I love my scars. Battle scars are what make faith REAL. They are evidence of how hard God fights to keep us and how patient He is with our many mistakes. When I think about them I don't feel embarrassment and I don't feel regret. I don't feel anything but thankful.
