These past few weeks have been rough for me, to say the least. I have found myself breaking down into tears on several occasions and wondering what happened to the tough girl, no tears persona I've built up my entire adult life. Recently, I decided that I can probaly chalk up my stress, sleepless nights and emotional instability to one simple thing… Fear.
I finally came to this realization because of an experience I had about a week ago. I was standing amongst a group of friends that I hadn't seen in awhile and answering the typical "What are you up to now that you've graduated?" questions. Of course, I could have predicted the response when my turn came around and I was not suprised to hear a chorus of exclaimations of "That is SO incredible!", "That will be so life changing!" and "You are SO brave!" One member of the group looked very intently at me and said " I know myself, and I know that is something I could NEVER do but I have always known you could." It was in that moment that something felt very wrong. I met every persons gaze with a knowing and confident smile and gave some variation of the response that I always give… I don't feel brave, it isn't scary for me, I have always felt called to missions, etc etc. For the first time in my life, my smile felt completely plastered on and my words sounded fake and rehearsed. Am I really THAT confident? Am I really NOT afraid?
These past few weeks I have been living in fear. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, and I think most intensely, the fear of what I am giving up. My finances aren't coming in as quickly as I'd hoped. I was SO sure that this was God's path for me that my expectations may have been a little too high in that area. I am now taking some remedial lessons in faith and patience. I am completely unsure of what this next chapter of my life will bring, and while I have never considered myself to be a control freak persay, I have also had quite a few difficulties giving up total control. And as for what I am giving up? I think I have let my imagination run wild in that category. Sure, in the short run, I am giving up my neices 3rd birthday, a few friends weddings, and the opportunity to get my career started. But what I have really been focusing on lately is the long run. Long term missions has always been in the forefront of my mind when it comes to my future but up until now, 'my future' has never seemed so near and menacing.
I know that the whole tone of this blog may seem very contradictory to what I am about to say but… I am STILL very sure that the World Race is where God wants me in this upcoming year. I can also say that I am still open to the idea of long term missions in my future. As I was reading Romans this weeks verse 12:1 really hit close to home. "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service." This IS my reasonable service and I am ready and willing to make that sacrifice.
The reason my fear had gotten such a stronghold in my life was because I was unwilling to admit it was there. So with this blog, I am taking the first step to conquering my fear. I accept the fact that I am scared but I recognize that the God I serve is bigger than my fear.
