I decided before camp I would keep an open mind throughout the week, and I am so glad I was prepared to be uncomfortable. I was not only pushed out of my comfort zone, but that’s where I lived all week – so far away from my comfort zone it seemed like some distant reality. I was shocked at how the things I expected to unnerve me didn’t, and how the parts I thought would be easy were not. I expected the different styles of worship, the moving stories, the food that would turn my stomach, the lack of sleep, and all the crazy activities.
I knew God would be present, but didn’t know what that would look like. I certainly was not expecting Satan to show up, and I was in no way prepared for the spiritual warfare that took place. I dealt with a lot of anger, hurt, and confusion, some of it I hadn’t even realized I had been holding onto. God used the week at camp to bring forgiveness, healing, and restoration to my life. After only three days of camp, I had huge breakthroughs alongside 200 other individuals, but I soon discovered that wasn’t enough. I was still left vulnerable to attack.
There was a day our squads went into the woods for a night of camping.
We built our own shelter, cooked some delicious food, and had a night of
unfiltered fellowship. Let me tell you, sitting around the campfire
that night, a lot of things happened. Walls were knocked down, hearts
were opened, and people found freedom. But, while the Spirit was moving
in my squadmates, I was experiencing a battle I don’t even know how to
describe.
We built our own shelter, cooked some delicious food, and had a night of
unfiltered fellowship. Let me tell you, sitting around the campfire
that night, a lot of things happened. Walls were knocked down, hearts
were opened, and people found freedom. But, while the Spirit was moving
in my squadmates, I was experiencing a battle I don’t even know how to
describe.
I felt I needed to share my story, but it was as though my mouth was glued shut. I so badly wanted to tell my squadmates about the healing I had experienced earlier in the week, but I also knew there was more that needed to be said. It was while we were sitting around the fire that I realized I hadn’t dealt with all of my baggage yet. There was still something there, but I couldn’t place what it was. I felt as though if I were to open my mouth, that last bit I was holding onto would be realized. And so, no matter how badly I wanted to jut speak, my mouth wouldn’t open.
I found a spot to sit at the end of the night and try to sort through everything, and figure out what I might be holding onto. Instead, I couldn’t clear my mind at all. I couldn’t even pray. It was as though someone was sitting next to me, whispering lies in my ear. Telling me I could never be a part of what was happening. I might have made progress, but would never experience true freedom. Even though I had let go of hurt from my past, I could never let my walls down and allow other people in.
The next day, when we arrived back at camp, nothing had changed. As the squads all gathered, I saw a friend who knew something was wrong. As she hugged me, tears started to flow, and I was able to describe the feeling of my mouth being glued shut. A squadmate found me and after getting the basics of what was happening, pulled me outside along with a handful of others to pray over me. I’ve gotta tell you, as one of them asked me what was wrong, something within me trembled, and I couldn’t get any words out. As they began to pray bold, powerful prayers, a weight began to lift off me, and my mind cleared. My squadmates told me to shout out “I am free to speak,” and we all shouted “freedom” as loud as possible.
I realized what that ‘something’ was I hadn’t been able to place. It was a pretty big thing I had brushed off as nothing. If I had been unable to begin dealing with this issue, it most certainly would effect my time on the Race from the very beginning. Right away I had people telling me how much lighter I looked. Strange, because I am sure my face was all red and blotchy, but it was great to know I looked as much lighter as I felt. We also began team formations that day, so I’m not sure how things would have been different had I still felt as though I could never open up and make connections with my squadmates. I was blown away after we got our teams how easy it was for me to just be honest and share my heart. I’m sure I talked a few ears off, but I can’t tell you how great it feels to let my guard down. Not only am I more able to truly experience relationship with other people, but I am also more receptive to the Father’s love!
It is strange for me to share such a personal experience on here (which is part of the reason it has taken me so long to post this), but since coming home, I’ve had some experiences I don’t think I would have been aware of had this not happened. I have been able to see attacks by the enemy in my life and the lives of my friends, and have been so aware of the lies being fed to us. I know it’s only going to continue once I step onto foreign soil, and so I ask you would pray God would continue to open my eyes and give me strength and courage to combat these attacks.
I WILL NOT BE SILENT//I was born to worship//I WILL NOT BE QUIET//the voice of fear//you can hold me back NO MORE
