If you know me then you know I'm strong-willed. And with that comes a strong pride. I do not like others to see my weakness.
So, night 1 was all fine and dandy. After that they all run together so I call them by the days that I think they were. Night 2 we start talking about forgiveness and God starts showing me some things that I have to let go of. And so, like, obviously my first instinct is to cry. But- wait, no- these people do not know me well enough to see me cry (I don't care how comfortable I feel). So I tell God no. You will not break me tonight Mr. Lord. And so he's all like okay, have it your way. Until the next morning when we start talking about healing. Then he's all like- NOT!!!! Got ya! So I spend about 6 hours crying (on and off, a full 6 hours would be ridiculous and my face would hurt). But it was sooooo good.
God broke me of things that I didn't even realize I was struggling with- a bad self image of my personality, comparisons, trust in him, and his love. And also side note- I was being super skeptical about him giving people spiritual gifts and actually like healing people miraculously on the spot and all his awesomeness really. I've always said and believed he is the same God as in the Bible. He can do everything he did then. But, I didn't think he would do it in front of me or to me or anything like that. So anyways, He showed me I was holding on to this world just enough to not be holding on to him as tight as he wanted and I needed. He showed me that I wasn't forgiving myself and because of that I wasn't trusting him to forgive me and then because of that I wasnt trusting that his love was unconditional. And he showed me that because I was trying to be so strong on my own, he wasn’t getting to do all the work through me that he wanted. He kept reminding me of 2 Corinthians 12:9. “But He said to me, ‘ My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’”
So as I am writing this all down in my journal and praying I get a little note from my semi-friend Haleigh. (I call her semi because at this point I hadn't really talked to her). And she just tells me God told her that I need to stop: and then she proceeds to tell me everything I had just written down. And so, I cry. And she feels really bad and runs over to me and then we go pray together. It is incredible how God speaks through people. She has such a gift for listening to him and he told her everything I was going through so I didn't have to (because I ain’t that weak!!! Oh wait, yes I am.) And there quickly vanishes my skepticism of him healing and speaking through others. Hebrews 13:8 “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”
Then He spent a whole night telling me he loved me over and over and over again. Literally it was like every 5 minutes. Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
And then he sent Jordan (shout out!) to come tell me that he had given her a vision of me dancing and singing praise in his name and for him and that he says there is great joy ahead. And duh, how do I respond? I cried. 1 Peter 1: 3-4 “In his great mercy he has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade.”
It was the best kind of broken down I could be because God was truly building me back up with his strength. Proverbs 31:25 “she is clothed with strength and dignity.”
I am the beautiful daughter of a king. The King. Wonderfully made. Weak in so many aspects but made strong because of him. Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
