choosing life, in the midst of death
boundaries; to my spirit, reflecting into my life.
not going to lie, deep down I’m somewhat falling apart, metaphorically of course. A lot of things, (not good ones) have happened in my life lately. I have been praying for a few people for months, yet I see deterioration. I thought things were getting better; false. Quite the opposite actually. My hope in the Lord has been struggling lately.
My spirit is confused. I left South Africa feeling so in tune with the Holy Spirit, I felt like there was this fire that was un-extinguishable inside of me. I was so expectant for life to be rockin’ here in the Philippines. Please don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the ministry here. Life is great when I am busy. But the second I am not busy in any way I crash into a wall of reality of what is actually going on. The fire isn’t extinguished, but dimmer.
I am an external processor. I genuinely think if you look up an example of what that means; my name is there. Because of this I often vent to people about something, so I too can understand what the heckle is going on in my mind. Then replay what I said, or depend on that person to decipher what came out of my mouth that was of the Lord and what was of my flesh. That way I could try to stick to the Holy part of the two.
Without intending to, I often lead these venting sessions into gossip. A place the Lord revealed to me that I let the enemy have a foothold in my life. Something I have been aware of but ignore.
I am struggling. Some of my words, often intending for fruit to come out of conversations have ended up producing bad fruit. I have to own my mistakes. I can’t make excuses for my sins saying my intentions were pure therefore it doesn’t even count as a mistake/sin. I have to be honest.
This is where the boundaries come in. Jesus is showing me what it looks like to place boundaries on my tongue and on my flesh. I am still learning what that looks like. I am still going through hard things. But I have to find joy in suffering knowing that is what produces perseverance and a stronger faith.
Something I learned back in Sunday school has been reminded to me. Prayer is like a stop light. Sometimes God gives you a green light and a quick, immediate yes. Sometimes its a yellow light; the Lord saying wait not yet. Others its a red light; no, that isn’t in my plan for you, I have something better. I can not always expect a green light and then throw a fit like a child in their terrible two’s when Jesus tells me no. I remember when I was little thinking my parents were the worst for saying no to me about things. Now, looking back I am so thankful that they did. I learned discipline from it and they often said no because they saw that it wasn’t the best for me. Jesus does the same, we just can’t always see the better side of it until later on.
I have to have faith that God is going to answer, in His time. Not my own, because my own time isn’t what is best. I have to learn what it looks like to have eternal hope. I have to turn to the Lord first before I turn to humans. I am learning that being totally honest with the Lord leads to repentance and that leads to life. Why wouldn’t I choose life?!
joyfully,
Kell
something sweet the Lord spoke to me in the midst of this suffering that I think is applicable to more than just me is
“Just because the world’s view of you changes, doesn’t mean mine does. I know who you truly are, I will help them see that. Give it time.”
Real sweet of you Jesus, thank you.
