I did not want to write this blog post.
I have been thinking about writing it for over a month, but I have kept putting it off, in favor of other posts. Finally, the thought of it started burning in my mind until I couldn’t ignore it any longer. These are just some of my thoughts and struggles. I’m giving them up to God, and ultimately preaching to myself here.
Do I really want to do this?
This will not be a vacation. Yes, I will see amazing places, meet wonderful people, and eat great food while on this journey.
But, I will also experience and witness immense pain and brokenness. I’m going to the 10/40 Window, a part of the world with the highest concentration of the world’s unreached, poor, and oppressed.
I’m one of those people who is in a funk for an entire day after watching a movie / reading a book with a sad ending.
Do I really want to sacrifice my comfort?
I will live out of a backpack, literally carrying my burdens. I will have to wear the same clothes over and over again for nearly a year. I fully expect to often have blisters on my feet from tons of walking. I will drop from exhaustion at the end of some days.
I will live in a tent for the majority of the year. No big, comfy mattress, no A/C, no heating. Think of the misery of cramps, on top of it all!
Can I even do this?
Fundraising is a huge challenge. $18,700 is a daunting sum of money raise, and fundraising is completely out of my comfort zone. I have a hard time asking for any sort of help anyway, so asking for something like financial support is doubly hard and uncomfortable.
But, I need to remember that as God has called me to this ministry, He will also call a team of people to help provide for my journey. God uses interdependence as part of His plan, growing and discipling His people through the giving and receiving of their resources. I need to keep trusting that God will continue to provide me with a team of partners who will see this as an opportunity to invest in the Kingdom by providing not only financial support, but also prayer support and encouragement. To those of you who have donated and offered encouragement, I am deeply grateful.
Do I really want to give up dating for a year and a half?
As silly as it may sound, this is something I’ve thought a lot about. I yearn for a partner. Finding a God-loving husband and being a mom are two strong God-given desires that I’ve had for a long time. I won’t be able to date anyone until I return, and by then I’ll be 30.
In my past serious relationships, God has not been at the center of the relationship. I didn’t make God the most important thing in my life during each of those relationships. I was more focused on pleasing myself and pleasing others, instead of pleasing God. I quenched the Holy Spirit. My relationship with God suffered, so my soul suffered.
I don’t want to do that anymore.
I feel that it’s because I desire a relationship so much, that it’s so important to embrace this season of singleness, and to pursue God wholeheartedly.
Do I really want to stare my junk and my weaknesses in the face?
That sounds really scary. There will be moments when I’ll be forced to face the worst parts of myself.
I’m going to travel and live with the same group of people for 11 months, and there will be times our nerves will be shot. We will be annoyed, we will be tired, we will be hurt, we will be angry. These people will most certainly see me at my worst.
But, I hope they will also see my at my best. We will walk alongside each other, uplifting, encouraging, and holding one another accountable. There will be adventure, sacrifice, messing up, forgiveness, laughter, tears, joy, pain, and love.
Do I really want to give up my selfishness and love like Jesus?
And how many times must my heart be broken? It’s been broken so many times already and it’s the only one I have… It would be easier not to do this. It would be safer not to do this. My heart would stay intact.
C.S. Lewis had something to say about this:
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket— safe, dark, motionless, airless— it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…
To love is to be vulnerable.
Maybe the best thing to do with your broken heart is to give it away. When we who are broken give to the broken— this is giving ourselves to Him.
When the church isn’t for the suffering and broken, then the church isn’t for Christ. Because Jesus, with His pierced side, is always on the side of the broken. Jesus always moves into places moved with grief. Jesus always seeks out where the suffering is, and that’s where He stays. The wound in His side proves that Jesus is always on the side of the suffering, the wounded, the busted, the broken.
-Ann Voskamp
Does anybody even read any of these blog posts?
It often seems like the answer is no, and that can be discouraging at times.
But a friend recently gave me some life-giving words. He said that my posts will reach further and wider than the number of “likes,” comments, and views that will be tallied up. He told me to just to keep telling my story as it unfolds.
I’m also reminded of something else Ann Voskamp said:
“Be brave. Your bravery wins a thousand battles you can’t see because your bravery strengthens a thousand others to win their battles too.”
Who does something like this? This is crazy. Do I really want to leave everything I know behind, and say YES to the Lord?
I’m trying to keep this in mind:
“If you let your life go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal” (John 12:25).
“Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon. The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring”
(Isaiah 58:10-11).
Nothing matters more to God than the redemption of the people He created; the Cross proves that. Nothing matters more than love and relationships.
I really like this wisdom from Morrie Schwartz:
So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.
I will get to serve others and be served by others in return. This experience will enlarge my heart, expand my vision, stretch my faith, deepen my compassion, and fill me with a kind of joy I’ve never experienced.
Leafing through my journal a couple days ago, I came across a list I wrote in July, titled “things on my heart.” These are a few things I wrote in this Heart List:
- photography
- seeking beauty, wonder, and truth
- ministering the importance of vulnerability and sharing one’s brokenness
- starting a blog?
Months before I had even heard about the World Race, I had these certain desires placed on my heart, which have started to become fulfilled. I now have a blog through the World Race; I am deeply seeking beauty, wonder, and truth; and I hope to keep being vulnerable, to keep sharing my story as honestly as I can— and to encourage others to do the same.
Lysa TerKeurst said, “There is an abundant need in this world for your contributions to the Kingdom… your thoughts and words and artistic expressions… your exact brand of beautiful.”
To everyone reading this: God believes in you— He believes in the story He’s writing through you. He believes in you as a gift the world needs.
The Bible says, “The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him” (2 Chronicles 16:9). I want to live a story that lets others live better. I want to be a person God can use for His purposes. And that begins by obeying the Spirit who says “Go.”
