It is our first date, and immediately I feel within my spirit that he is not the one.
But he is so charming and handsome and he is pursuing me in a way that I have never been pursued before. It feels so good to be desired.
I make my decision. I ignore the impression in my spirit, and agree to go on a second date with him. Again the voice says, “Kelly, this is not the man for you.”
As I look into the pair of hazel eyes across from me, I push the voice out of my mind. I am determined to see where this goes.
Another whisper comes: “Beloved, this is really going to hurt, but I will wait for you to come back to Me.”
So, I quench the Holy Spirit, and go my own way.
8 months later:
He is not answering his phone. It is a couple hours after the time we arranged to call one another, and there is still no word from him.
Something is very wrong. I pace around my apartment.
Finally, he calls. Relief floods through me.
He says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but…” As I listen, my heart sinks.
I hang up the phone and fall to my knees. The grief crushes and feels a lot like death. I weep so hard I can’t breathe. I cry out, “Oh, Jesus, help! Forgive me for pushing You away. I need You— I surrender.”
Peace enters the room and flows through my spirit. Though I still feel agony, there is also relief.
I feel His presence, The One who lifts heads and wipes away tears. He says, “You cannot comprehend how much I love you. If you knew what I had for you, you would not wish for this man. I have so much more for you. Come back to Me.”
It has been nearly two years since the end of this relationship, and it has been the most devastating and painful season I have walked through, but at the same time, I have never felt so close to the Lord. Since then, He has been drawing me into experiencing deeper trust and intimacy with Him.
I know that by slamming this door shut, the Lord saved me from future heartbreak and inevitable divorce. He gently showed me that I have always been grasping at scraps of love instead of embracing His perfect True Love.
He desires for us to fully open our hearts to Him. He wants to remove the scales from our eyes and show us what True Love looks like. He tells us that the love we have experienced in the past is but a tiny fraction of the Love that He has to offer.
He has turned my greatest heartbreak into my greatest blessing.
I have returned to my First Love.
To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
Isaiah 61:3
