In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil, I now surrender
You are breaking new ground
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don’t need to understand
Make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus bring new wine out of me
I am currently in a season of refining and pruning, which has been extremely difficult. Within this wilderness season, there is grief over the loss of certain gifts. There are times that I have listened to the lies telling me that I am not gifted, and that I am not enough.
At the moment, I feel like I am having such a hard time discerning God’s voice and His presence. Discernment and distinguishing of spirits are two gifts that I have a long history of displaying. I know that as a follower of Jesus I still have discernment, just as every Jesus follower possesses. But I have become used to having a higher degree of discernment than I feel like I possess right now.
As a child, with the Holy Spirit’s help, I recognized evil at work. I saw an evil spirit in my room one night, and felt the room flood with peace as I spoke Jesus’ name and He cast the spirit out. Later, I felt more demonic activity around me, and a prayer removed the oppressive presence for good.
Another side of this gift is recognizing God’s presence. I have felt the Holy Spirit through a warm, tingling sensation starting in my chest and spreading outward. I have felt Him in rays of light. I have seen Him in other people. He would sometimes draw me toward certain people, and He would pull me away from others.
One night last winter, I began to feel worried and anxious over my decision to go on the World Race. I tossed and turned that night, unable to sleep. I spoke aloud: “Holy Spirit, are you with me?” I smiled as I immediately felt a warm and weighty hand on my chest— a comforting, fatherly gesture. He confirmed to me that the path I was on was exactly where He wanted me to be. He stilled my anxious thoughts and brought me rest.
Since leaving for the World Race, however, it feels like that clear line of communication with Him has been severed. I have been grieving over the loss of the ease with which I used to hear God’s voice and feel His presence. I am surrounded by so many people who can clearly hear His voice and receive His revelation, and I so desperately miss this.
One of my squad leaders encouraged me the other day, and made me see this situation in a different light. She said, “God may be awakening new gifts and new ways to connect with Him within you. And maybe these mastered gifts are needing to be laid down for now so you can practice and gain understanding of the new, and ultimately see a new side of God too.”
Recently, one of my squad mates sent me a message, which said, “I was praying for you today, and here is what I saw: You with a diamond. Not a diamond ring or jewelry, but like you are as valuable to God as a diamond would be to us.”
I am reminded that I am a Daughter of the Most High God, and He wants the best for me. Because of how much He loves me, He gently teaches, corrects, and guides me. He loves me so much that He is pruning away the parts of me that are bearing no fruit so that I can be more fruitful in the future. In His goodness, His love, and His mercy, He is taking me through some momentary pain so that I can live in much more abundance than I ever realized I could.
I feel joy in the midst of this painful process because I know that if I persevere, I will be brought to a place of deeper intimacy with God, and greater spiritual maturity. I know that because of this, if I continue to trust in the story He is writing through me, I will become more and more like Him.
I am learning to press into the uncomfortable, to seek my Heavenly Daddy in all things, and to surrender to Him and rest in the knowledge that He has everything under control.
I am being asked to put everything I know and everything I desire on an altar, with only the promise of a future that is unknown.
I know that this spiritual journey will be one of the hardest things I will ever walk through, and yet…
Abba, I belong to You.
