To be honest, I have not wanted to blog about my walk because it’s hard to put into words where I am at right now. I am struggling and the devil has been working 24/7 to keep me in this place of doubt and discouragement. I find myself waking up each day and asking God “Why me??” Why couldn’t it have been my other friend, or neighbor, or someone else? Why have I been called to this radical way of living? This is too hard. I can easily cry myself to sleep at night thinking about leaving my family, my dog, and friends for a year. I think about all the weddings and special moments I am going to miss. I worry about the financial burden and what’s going to happen when I get back. How will I ever stand on my own two feet again after a year away from the professional world? I’m struggling to find God in my daily life and to listen to his Word through my daily devotional.
The struggle is real people!
The worst part about all of this is that I didn’t want to share my struggles with you all. Why you ask? Because in my skewed mind I thought; 1. That would make me look weak. 2. That would make all of you who have supported me thus far question why you support me. 3. As devoted followers of Christ, we aren’t supposed to struggle right? We have God on our side, standing behind us, lighting the path and therefore our days are filled with sunshine and rainbows 100% of the time, right again?
WRONG. DEAD WRONG.
This is such a facade that we as Christians put on ourselves. We want to present to society this group of perfect, Christ following, commandment abiding people. Talking about struggles is done behind closed doors and kept hush from the non-Christian community. Why is this? Why do I feel like I have to hide my day to day struggles from the world? As a child, through my teen years and especially now I have always struggled with relying on others. My mother would call it “extreme independence”. While this can be good at times, I have found it to be more detrimental in my life and relationships. I don’t know how to reach out to someone when I am struggling. I don’t know how to call someone and let them know I am having a hard day. I don’t want to appear weak! I don’t want others to think I can’t handle it. I remember when I first got accepted to the race, I was chatting with one of my best friends, Paige. Paige has the beautiful way of telling it like it is. She’s probably the only person in my life that I actually take constructive criticism from and actually take it to heart rather than being offended. Anyways, I specially recall her telling me “Kelly, don’t take this the wrong way but I hope that out of this process, you learn how to depend on others and be able to open up about your struggles.”
Well here is my first step in that process. I am NOT perfect. No where near it. I sin every day. I struggle a lot. I question. I doubt. I’m human. I fall back into my old ways. I give into temptation. I don’t read my Bible every day. I don’t always have the nicest words to say. I still google bible verses when I am searching for the right words to put in these blogs. I missed church last Sunday. I NEED HELP. I cannot do this life on my own. I cannot do this race on my own. There are times and moments where I want to give up and quit. I need people reminding me why I am doing this and standing there waiting to catch me when I stumble.
So here is what I am going to ask of all my friends, family, and supporters along this journey… Stick with me through this. Catch me when I fall. Help me to learn how to depend on you. Remind me that I am not alone in this. Ask me how I am doing and don’t allow me to answer with one word (FINE, that’s my go to word). Tell me that struggling is ok. Correct me when I am wrong. WALK WITH ME. Be a part of my #hometeam. Love me for me. I have learned that we are perfectly imperfect in Gods eyes. He sees every struggle and wants to walk with us through it. He will always remain in you and nothing can ever separate us from his love.
By his grace, we have been shown mercy. By Jesus’s death, we have been given life. And by God steadfast presence, we are shown everlasting love.
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)
