We have officially been in Malaysia for a week now. I think that I can honestly say this has been one of the most challenging and fruitful weeks on the race thus far. First, to get here, we spent over 50 hours, multiple modes of transportation, and a ton of patience to get here. Exhausted, mentally and physically, we were greeted with heat unlike I have experienced on the race. I mean the kind of heat that you just sweat 24/7 and getting a decent night’s sleep is difficult to obtain. I have definitely been battling the mid race slump, being more homesick than ever before, and questioning why I am even here. On top of all of this, I felt like I couldn’t hear the Lord anymore. I slipped into a spiritual valley at the end of Cambodia. You can say that I was spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was wake up and do ministry, work on being intentional with my team, or stay present in Malaysia. I told myself I could tough it out until Thailand and hope that seeing my mom next month would revive my spirit and give me the strength to get through to the end of this.
Well, God had very different plans for me.
Something happened on our first full day here in Malaysia. While we have a decent amount of ministry, we also have a lot of time to rest and spend time with each other and our hosts. Our hosts are amazing. Upon meeting them, something stirred deep down within me. When you are around them, you can’t help but feel the Holy Spirit and the deep love of the Father. They encourage you to dig deeper, think harder, and pray more fervently about everything. They also loved us really well and allowed us to take an extra day to go visit Cameron Highlands, which is a city up in the mountains with cool weather, fresh strawberries, and bountiful tea plantations. It was exactly what we needed to begin recovering from travel days and reset our minds and hearts. While there, something amazing happened to me.
The first day in Cameron, I was on edge the whole day. My heart raced for most of the day and I was riding the emotional roller coaster. Everything around me seemed to be heightened from the smells, to the sounds, to the people, and even the food. I chalked it up to indulging in way too much Starbucks coffee that day. I went to climb into bed and still couldn’t settle my mind. I tried to fall asleep but within 20 minutes of falling asleep, I was awakened by the words “Kelly, get up.” It was so vivid and real that I thought one of my teammates had said it but everyone else around me was sleeping. I rolled over and ignored it only to be woken up again with “Get up, go outside, and pray.” I grabbed my bible, journal, and music and went out into the living room. I sat down and basically said “Ok, God, what is it? Speak to me.” My body was being overwhelmed with excitement and energy, which I have come to know that these are the physical responses to the Holy Spirit moving within me. So I put on some Hillsong and began to write my prayers down.
“I am tired. I am frustrated. I am exhausted. I am done doing this on my own. Take over God. Take over my mind, my soul. I’m done trying to control my life and what happens to me. I surrender it all to you. I’m crying out for a revival of my soul. I pray that you overwhelm me and overcome my heart with your presence.” -A small portion of my prayers
At this point, I was in an ugly cry on the floor of the living room. Broken and shattered once again. Crawling my way back to the Cross. I prayed 2 things at this moment: that God would show himself to me and that He would wake up a teammate to externally process what was happening. At that moment a beautiful black and white spotted moth landed near me. I watched this moth for a moment as it fluttered its wings and rested near my foot. It may seem insignificant but I turned back to write my prayers and then looked back to see that the moth was gone. I searched the room for it but couldn’t find it anywhere. I couldn’t help but think that this was His way of showing me He was there. Not 5 minutes after this, Kathleen walked out of the room. She had been listening to a podcast and heard God say that she needed to get up and go be with me. If that doesn’t show the divine power and amazing love of our Father, I don’t know what does! While talking with Kathleen, Ashley also woke up and came out to sit with me. I sat with them for about an hour crying and trying to process everything that was happening to me. I knew that this moment was different from anything else I had experienced. I knew that it was a defining point in my walk with him. This truly was a surrendering of my soul and at the same time a revival of my soul. It was one of the few times on this race that I can say I heard God so purely as if He were sitting across from me. God told me some really awesome things that night that I want to share with you. This is an intimate entry from my journal but I feel as though He wants me to share it.
“Freedom isn’t something you obtain in this life. Freedom is living with me and being with me. Freedom is realizing that I have already paid the price for your sins with my Son. Realizing that you are free already allows me to have more of you. I traded heaven to have you again, Kelly. I need you to know how much I love you. How much I like you. How much I want you. I left beauty and perfection to congregate with the ugly and the dark. I love you so much. I would do absolutely anything for you. In my eyes, you are all I need and want. You’re my perfect gift. When you question your life and whether I am there or not, it hurts because I will never leave you alone. What I have in store for you is SO good. It’s better than you could ever imagine. With time, you will understand this and you will understand who I am. You will begin to love me the way that I love you. Pursue me as I pursue you. Be with me as I am with you. Trust me with every part of you. I promise that I won’t disappoint you. That feeling that you have inside of you… that is me. Within you. I dwell where you dwell. I am beginning some amazing works within you. Stay broken with me. Show me your ugliest parts so that I can make them new.”
That night wrecked me. Broke me. But it also brought life back into me. It sparked something within me. It started a revival within my soul. I have already seen incredible things from visions to answered prayers happen over the past few days since returning from Cameron. These will be saved for a later blog. But something is moving and shifting here in Malaysia. Not just with me. With my team. With our hosts. With the people of this country. It’s hard to explain in a blog but He is here and something big is coming for us. Revival is by far the theme for this month. Revival of Malaysia. Revival of the United States. Revival of God’s people. Revival among the generations. Revival of your soul. God is calling for a revival. You only need to be broken and shattered at the Cross. You only need to ask. Will you join the revival and be a part of what is to come??
