Rainy days tend to leave me wrapped up in my thoughts, pondering everything both deep and shallow.
These past few days I’ve been thinking on what it means to be a safe person, as well as what it looks like to have a safe person in your life.
All these thoughts were brought on from listening to the song Unpack Your Heart by Phillip Phillips. The chorus particularly stood out to me.
“Bring your secrets, bring your scars,
bring your glory, all you are
bring your daylight, bring your dark
share your silence
and unpack your heart.”
Do you have anyone in your life that you unpack your heart with? Does anyone come to you and unpack their heart? I know I can count on one hand the people I’d feel safe unpacking my heart with, and if I’m being honest, not even half of those people have I actually been completely honest with in telling them where my heart is at and my struggles.
Maybe its because over the years I’ve built up so many walls from hurt after hurt. I’ll be the first to admit I have trust issues. Maybe its because I know that once I let someone in that gives them a place of power to either bring life or hurt to my heart and the thought of that terrifies me. Maybe its because I don’t want to be held accountable for those areas of my life. Maybe, most likely, its the shame thats threatening to drown me and that whispers in my ear that I’ll just be rejected if others really knew me and my past.
Thats the biggest one. Fear of vulnerability because I’m afraid of rejection. I want people to like me so much that its as if I’m sacrificing me for a shell of who I am, hoping that others like the shallow face I’m putting forward for them to see.
“Let heaven fall like a wrecking ball, crushing all the fear in my veins.” I can’t remember what song those words are from, but they’ve stuck with me for months since I heard them. Thats my prayer, what I’m striving for, that I would be so focused on the Lord that it would crush all my fears, particularly vulnerability.
There was a season while I was on the race that I was walking in vulnerability and saw such healing and fruit in my life from choosing to seek that community. The freedom we experience is the vulnerability that we choose to walk in. It is painful and gut-wrenching sometimes, but its stripping away the old and its a constant renewal of His grace for us. The vulnerability that you choose to keep walking in is opposite of the walls you choose to build. And yes, I say walking, because you’re always choosing to keep walking in vulnerability or you’re choosing to build walls that separate you from community. When I got home from the race, I chose to stop walking in vulnerability. I say its because I didn’t have solid community to come to, and while thats partially true, it was simply easier to not have to choose to be vulnerable. Shame began to swallow me whole once more.
When you walk in vulnerability you combat shame. A lot of people think that when you bring things to light that it makes you a bad person. Guilt says you did something bad. Shame says you are something bad. Maybe its because I grew up being shamed by the people around me that its so easy for me to listen to the lies of who I am that shame whispers in my ear. But thats just what they are, lies. You are nothing but what the Father says you are, and He says you are NOT shameful.
Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Vulnerability has to be authentic, you can’t produce it, its the complete opposite of that. Vulnerability is bankrupt on its own terms when people move from being vulnerable to using it to deal with unmet needs and hurt feelings. The Father wants deeper places and bigger things for us.
You have bravery direct from the heart of the Father.
Sometimes vulnerability is sharing a secret. Sometimes its sharing a part of your story thats been owning you. Sometimes its to get up and dance in front of everyone. Sometimes its to paint in front of everyone. Sometimes its to lay on the floor in worship. Sometimes its to scream like a wild person. Sometimes its having the faith to do what seems impossible.
I want that change and I’m willing to fight for it again. I want to be a safe person for friends to be vulnerable with. I want a community of safe people that I can unpack my heart with.
“Meet me where the sunlight ends
Meet me where the truth never bends
Bring all that you’re scared to defend
And lay it down when you walk through my door
Throw all of it out on the floor
Your sorrow, your beauty, your war
I want it all, I want it all
Bring your secrets, bring your scars
Bring your glory, all you are
Bring your daylight, bring your dark
Share your silence
And unpack your heart
Show me something the rest never see
Give me all that you hope to receive
Your deepest regret dies with me
The days when you stumble and fall
The days when you grind to a crawl
The treasure that hides behind your walls
I want it all, yeah I want it all
Bring your secrets, bring your scars
Bring your glory, all you are
Bring your daylight, bring your dark
Share your silence
And unpack your heart
Unpack your heart
Oh, I’m on your side
So shed your shadow
And watch it rise
Oh, I’m on your side
So shed your shadow
And watch it rise
Into your darkness
I’ll shine a light
Bring your secrets, bring your scars
Bring your glory, all you are
Bring your daylight, bring your dark
Share your silence
Bring your honor, bring your shame
All your madness, I will tame
Won’t you lay down, down your guard
Share your silence
And unpack your heart”
