God’s Rash
A few days ago I woke up with a rash on my face. I had no idea what it was. Maybe a spider bite, a zit gone bad, some weird infection? My first thought was something like, oh no, how will i cover this up, it looks terrible.
Hmmm, so the next thought i had was something like… ARGH! God, come on, when i said to wreck my life, to break me of my attachment to my physical body, i did not mean to wreck my face! Do it another way God.
How often do we do that? Come on God, do it another way. I have found myself wrestling with God a lot lately. Yes, he usually, well actually, he always wins!!! And praise him that he wins, that he does not give up on us, that he loves us too much NOT to teach us, to mold us, to refine us.
Here is what happened. I stressed about my face, for two days, to the point of tears. It spread, and it got worse! All the while I was telling God to “shush!” I wrestled with so many things. The power of prayer. Traditional medicine. God blessing the hands of doctors. My own knowledge. My lack of knowledge. My ability to trust.
(My face yesterday)
Argh!
LAST NIGHT I spoke to God, finally! I stopped shushing him and gave him my full attention. It came down to this. Was i willing to fully trust the Lord, or not? It was not a question of did I have faith that God would heal me. I believed that he could heal me, i just did not believe that he would. And then it hit me… was i willing to surrender my will to the will of God. Was i able to trust him, to believe with all my heart that my Father had me and my life in His mighty hands. Was i able to say.. ok Lord, if you do not want my face to heal, or if you choose to allow this to leave a large scar, then i surrender, with joy!!!
Rewind…
A few days before i talked to God about breaking me of vanity, narcissism, insecurities. I was constantly concerned with what i looked like, not being as pretty as another girl, etc. I really was blinded by it, i had believed the lie that my value was in my physical body, that who i was in some way was defined by what i looked like on the outside.
I realized that since the rash started on my face, i had not worn make up, i had not been as concerned with what i looked like (cause i figured i looked terrible anyway 🙂 But, somehow I felt freedom from the constant insecurities of not being pretty enough. Somehow, I was able to seek instead what God saw in me, to be his daughter, to rest in his love.
I began to thank God for the rash, I was able to see it as a blessing. I still don’t know if God caused the rash himself, or if he just used it for good. As the bible says, the Lord will use all things for the good of those that love him. And, I ove him, and learning how to love him more each day.
This morning I woke up and my face was healing, miraculously, and all in God’s prefect love and timing!
<<Oh, and I know some of you are still stuck on one question… what was the rash? Well my friends, that really is not the point, and besides, only God knows for sure. It was his gift to me! >>
