I sometimes feel as if I am two different people. My life is not about me. But I live for myself every day. Wait, what?
I want to say I live for Christ, but is my life truly reflecting it? Are my actions a true example of who Jesus is and that I place more value on my relationship with Him than anything else? Or do my actions reflect that I live for myself?
There is a cost to following Jesus. Yes, the gift He offers us of new life is free, totally undeserved and only by His grace. But Jesus does ask us, when deciding whether we want to be a disciple of Him or not, to count the cost. The cost is everything; it’s who we are.
“Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. “Matthew 10:38-39
This concept is so backwards in our society, where everything is focused on building ourselves up and attaining individual success. We strive to live for ourselves every day, seeking new stimuli to satisfy and quiet our desires for fulfillment.
But Jesus does not want this. He wants me. All of me. He wants my heart, my desires, everything. And in my surrender He will breathe a new life into me. A life filled to the brim with a satisfaction and love that I never knew possible.
I have tasted this satisfaction, so why do I wander? Why do I seek destruction instead of peace? Well, unfortunately it’s innate. Sin plagues our world. The devil will do everything in his power to infiltrate every aspect of our society.
Again, at times I feel as if I am two different people.
From one standpoint, I desire wealth, a great job, a beautiful house on the lake, for people to admire and value me, to have stability, basically just selfish ambitions. I am super materialistic at times, holding too much value on outer appearance, clothes and jewelry. I am a hypocrite.
But when I am in direct communion with Jesus, my heart produces deeper desires, a longing that becomes hard to even describe. I long to love children that have no parents to call their own; I yearn to bring women out of sex-trafficking and open their eyes to the worth they hold; I desire to live my life proclaiming the indescribable beauty of the gospel. I would say that these desires are felt less often, as I am so often blinded by direct distractions of my everyday life, but when they are felt, they are felt deep in my inner beings, in my soul. They are the reason why I’m here. They are my purpose in life, my holy ambition.
Please don’t misunderstand me, in that I am not saying that one lifestyle is better than another. Please do hear me though when I say that following your God-given desires is crucial in living a life worthy of the Gospel.
In a recent talk I went to, the speaker discussed how there are many levels to our identity. We have public convictions, which are the beliefs we share with others and the image we like to portray. We have private convictions, which are the beliefs we internally believe we hold. But then we have our core convictions. This is what really matters, because what we believe in our core dictates the way we live our lives. We can spew out how much we love Jesus every day, all day, but if our actions and lifestyles aren’t accurately connecting to that belief, then we don’t really believe it. We will live our lives for whom or what we truly believe in. Period.Is what I say I believe truly aligning with the life I actually lead? Does my faith look radical to others? Can people tell that I love Jesus just from being around me?
No, not always, but I want to change this. I want so badly for my life to be an enormous example and testament to how wonderful, amazing and sovereign God is.
So I need to change these private convictions to core convictions. This is not something I can do on my own. So enter the mind-blowing power of Jesus. Only He can truly change my heart and give me a radical mindset for Him. I need to sincerely want it, yes, but only He has the power to will my desires into a new direction. I have already experienced Him doing so in past areas of my life.
My prayer is that the World Race would provide an opportunity for me to grab hold of these desires and run with them! Not just while I’m on the race, but before and after as well! I do tend to choose comfort if I’m offered with a choice of having it or not, so I’m so thankful and ready to be thrown into an environment where that is not even a choice. Where Jesus will need to be my identity otherwise I literally will not be able to make it through the day. I know the race is going to be incredibly tough and to me, that is one of the most attractive qualities about it. When I was in Ghana, life was really hard at times. I was sick for a large portion of it, had many uncomfortable moments, and smelled the entire time. But it was the best three weeks of my life. I had never experienced such a direct communion with God as I did there. I wasn’t distracted by my computer, cell phone, school work, coffee dates etc… . It was strictly Jesus and I.
I cannot wait to experience the challenges and joyous moments the Lord has prepared for me on this trip. He will work everything for His glory and that is such a beautiful truth.
