“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb are a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.” Psalm 127:3-5
For anyone that knows me, it’s no secret that I have never wanted children. For years I’ve told my parents not to expect any grandchildren from me. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids and I have even been a nanny for most of my life. Even though I love kids, I have always been thankful to give them back to their parents at the end of the day. My mom always told me that I would change my mind, and I’m sure she’s reading this thinking I told you so. Well mom, you’re right, the Lord changed my mind and I want to introduce you to the little boy that changed it.
Meet Cristofer:
Cristofer is 4 years old, but if you haven’t already noticed he is rather small for his age. In addition to being small for his age, he also has a short attention span, bad memory, and trouble processing information. Socially, he is under developed for his age as well, and he sometimes has trouble interacting with the other kids and expressing his emotions. Cristofer’s mother abused drugs throughout her entire pregnancy, which resulted in Cristofer being born prematurely. All of these issues are a result of the drug abuse, and after Cristofer was born, his mother abandoned him.
In my first couple of weeks here, I tried to not get to close to the kids because I knew at the end of the month I was going to leave. However, Cristofer won me over with his cute smirk and hilarious personality. Despite all the terrible things he has been through, Cristofer has incredible joy and that’s what I love about him. He laughs at everything, it could be the smallest thing but he just loves to laugh, mostly at himself. He thinks that he is the funniest person and he just loves to play and explore. Cristofer’s love for adventure and contagious laugh sucked me in and I started to open up to all the kids. I realized that the Lord wanted me to love on these kids the way He would. He was asking me to sacrifice the fact that it would be hard to leave if I opened up, so that I could experience something greater. I thought by loving on these kids, especially Cristofer, that I was giving them something but instead they have given me more than I could ever imagine. They have given me indescribable joy, laughter, and so many memories.
The best part is the Lord used this little boy to teach me and ease my fears about motherhood. I have never pictured myself as a mother, I always thought I’ll be the cool Aunt who spoils her nieces and nephews. See I have always had this deep rooted fear that I will be a bad mother. I don’t know where this irrational fear comes from, because I’ve had the best example of a Godly, loving, incredible mother. I guess I’ve always thought that I would mess up to much, or that I could never fill such big shoes (my mom’s). But on a Tuesday evening in Honduras, this little nugget was swinging with me on the playground. We were laughing and playing and just having the best time, but next thing I know he fell asleep. As I watched him sleep, my butt going numb on a playground swing, the Holy Spirit spoke to me. The Lord placed a desire in my heart to have children one day, because I could picture myself as this little boy’s mother. Cristofer does not look at me and see brokenness, or the mistakes I’ve made. Instead he looks at me with joy, laughter, and love. I realized in that moment, that is how the Lord looks at me. He looks at all my mistakes and sees Jesus so, instead of condemning me, He pulls me into His lap and loves me. I imagine one day that’s how my children will look at me, and sure there will be hard times but I know it will be worth it. So I don’t know if I’ll adopted, have biological kids, or both. I do know that the Lord will be with me every step of the way, and that there will be lots of joy, laughter, and love.
Leaving here is going to break my heart, I’ve already cried just thinking about the fact that I can’t take these kids with me. Each and every one of them has touched me in different ways, and I will never forget about them. When my fears of becoming a mother arise, I will think back to this precious moment pictured above and know that motherhood will be a gift from the Lord.
“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.” – Peter Pan
