Well, I haven’t written a blog in 5 months.
I think my justification to myself for that is something along the lines of, ‘What is there to say?’ I’ve sent my support letters. I’ve written up a packing list, however vague and constantly changing it may be. I read World Race blogs in my spare time. I message my squadmates. I find myself telling at least a few people every day about this crazy thing I’m doing, as my automatic response to the inevitable post-graduation plans inquiry. I’ve researched the weather and the malaria pills, and scrolled through #11n11 Instagram posts until my eyes blur. My mind races with all things World Race for more than a little bit of every day. I can rattle off those 11 countries like they’re the chorus of any Taylor Swift song, and the dates of training camp and launch are as permanently engrained in my mind as my home phone number. I’m fully aware that every morning I open my eyes is one day closer to the first morning that I’ll open my eyes in South Africa, in a tent that I’m nowhere near mastering the setup of. So am I ready? Oh, no. Absolutely not. I’m actually a little bit behind. To be completely honest, I’ve been having back problems for a few months that have caused me to hesitate and kept me from taking the ‘big steps’ out of the fear that I will have to push back to a later route. Now, my back FINALLY seems to be healing to the point that I’ll be ready to go in June, which is more than a little bit exciting and encouraging and panic-inducing all at once. I haven’t decided what kind of shoes I’m bringing. I haven’t gotten my vaccines. I still feel a little out of my element every time I’m on REI’s website, and no matter how many hours I spend reading packing blogs, I’m truly lost on the concept of living out of a backpack for a year.
These are all logistics though, and they all start with “I.” I don’t know about you, but my view of God is a lot bigger than logistics, and infinitely bigger than myself. And being ready, well, what does that even mean? I can’t think of any big change in my life that I’ve felt completely ready for. Is my faith strong enough? Will my packing list ever be just right? Am I capable of living in foreign countries and conditions I can’t begin to imagine for 11 months? Am I sure? The answer to all of these is ‘no.’ Absolutely not. And although I think that each day and each checklist and each doctors’ appointment will bring it a little bit closer to being ‘yes,’ I’m pretty sure that the answer to “Am I ready?” will always be no.
The lucky thing for me, though, is that God is.
