To all of you long time followers and first time readers,
I am thankful for you. I appreciate your investment in my life.
I will be back in the States on May 23rd (four days from now!) and have not yet reached my fundraising goal! I am currently at $3800 of $6000. If it's on your heart to support me, click on the "support me" link under my picture. 🙂
Here are a few more excerpts from my journal. Be praying for my last few days with N squad.
Thank you!
Kelly
5.1.13
In the past when I was told that I was pretty or beautiful I could hardly say thank you. I didn't see it. I was more focused on not being pretty or thin enough. I thought clear skin and petite thighs made a girl beautiful. Over the past few years, as friends and family have continued to speak beauty over me, I have let their words take more space in my thoughts. Now, when I hear those previously feared words, "You are beautiful," my thank you is sincere. I have come to see what they see. I believe I am beautiful. I walked into the kitchen at the mission house in Romania where two of our teams were staying and someone said, "You are really beautiful." There was vocal agreement and I said thank you, realizing that I have become more beautiful as I have come to believe the truth that I was carefully created and am infinitely loved.
5.4.13 NIGHT WATCH
Jesus, I am tired. May I be fully present. May I not be distracted by thoughts of home or what's next. God give me the grace to pour out everything that I have to offer, leaving nothing unsaid or unexecuted. May I be settled, at peace, when I walk on my plane home, knowing I left absolutely everything I had to leave with N Squad.
I will say, "I am the Lord's."
I will write on my hand, "The Lord's."
I am engraved on the palms of your hands.
Your steadfast love will not depart from me.
5.5.13
"The more I let people be who they are, instead of cramming them into what I need from them, the more surprised I am by their beauty and depth."
-Shauna Niequest, Cold Tangerines
5.7.13
2 bedroom apartment. Odessa, Ukraine. Laying in the living room on a sleeping pad that resembles a twin bed. Reading Cold Tangerines.
Just got that nervous, excited feeling in my stomach that reminds me that I have to pee, very much one I would get when thinking about close friends or a cup of french vanilla coffee or lavender lilacs in a large mason jar on the kitchen table beside me or marriage or the smell of fresh cut grass. I love this feeling. I love the excitement for life that overwhelms me in the most ordinary of moments.
My current excitement is for the past two years, and all the countless times I've been with a handful of friends, either talking, laughing, crying, sleeping, reading, yelling, dancing, etc. These are the most valuable of memories. To be in the presence of individuals with whom I now share many commonalities though didn't know a year ago. What a gift.
My heart has been filled with love, frustration, judgment, excitement, annoyance, mercy, grace, forgiveness, truth. I have repented more than I expected. I have forgiven. I have repeatedly been humbled. I have been on a journey of identity. I have laid down my sometimes unconscious desire be "the best" and delighted in my weaknesses and uniqueness. I have been transformed to the likeness of Christ. I am more bold, confident, loving, graceful, selfless, humble, emotional, honest and satisfied than I was two years ago. I haven't arrived and hope I will never believe I have. The beauty of walking every day with Jesus is that there is always more to surrender and more to receive. Curses are actually blessings more often than not and days that might feel mundane are always celebratory.
5.8.13
"Disaster occurs in your life when you lack the mental composure that comes from establishing yourself on the eternal truth that God is holy love."
-Oswald Chambers
5.10.13
Jesus, my main man. You're legit.
You're beautiful. You are the sacrificial lamb.
The sword pierced your side and out poured atonement and purification.
You deserve all the praise.
I revere you.
I'm in awe of your sacrifice and pursuit of me.
You are my romancer.
You are my king.
You know me intimately.
I want to be led by you.
Make your leading clear.
5.11.13
See Mother's Day video below.
5.13.13
Your desire for deeper intimacy is beautiful. Go deeper than you think is possible. Just when you think there is not another seed to pick from a pomegranate, you find a section that you had put in the compost pile that actually has a lot of fruit on it. As you search for deeper intimacy, look for the places you may have put aside or written off. There is intimacy there.
Let LOVE heal you.
Let LOVE be in your bones.
Let LOVE tear down your walls.
Let LOVE renew your mind.
Let LOVE be your deepest emotion and most comforting promise.
Let LOVE reveal the places that you are missing the truth.
Let LOVE reclaim the parts of you that have been hurting.
Let LOVE rule.
Let LOVE take His desired place in your life.
5.14.13
To me from Tiff.
It was a large, ovular table and you sat at the head of the table, and as people showed up, they emptied satchels of treasures and compared sizes and stories of all their crazy adventures and for a moment you slumped in your chair feeling like you had missed the mark. So when it all settles, and people finally realize that they've been hogging air space, they look to you because you haven't spoken. And at first your instinct is to small yourself but then a little something small lights in you and tells you to OWN IT. So, you lay out all those beautiful flowers on the table, and people begin to see that their gold and treasures pale in comparison to the earthly beauty of nature. And when asked about your adventures, you say, "I was at home the whole time you were away." And you are steady and content and not jealous at all. The people at the table long for your contentedness to be satisfied without all their wild. You inspire in simplicity.
5.15.13
"I know that life is busy and hard, and that there's crushing pressure to just settle down and get a real job and khaki pants and a haircut. But don't. Please don't. Please keep believing that life can be better, brighter, broader, because of the art that you make. Please keep demonstrating the courage that it takes to swim upstream in a world that prefers putting away for retirement to putting pen to paper, that chooses practicality over poetry, that values you more for going to the gym than going to the deepest places in your soul. Please keep making art for people like me, people who need the magic and imagination and honesty of great art to make the day-to-day world a little more bearable."
"I demonstrate my theology when I dance all night with people I love, because this life is worth the best celebration we can offer up to it."
"What draws me to people is their honesty, the cracks in their armor, the tiny vulnerabilities that we reveal when we tell each other the truth about our lives. I've watched my friendships deepen in the the moments of ugliness and truth in ways that never happen when we're all dressed up and on our best behavior."
-Shauna Niequest, Cold Tangerines
5.17.13
It's real in my heart that I'm leaving in less than a week. I feel tight in my chest, like it's hard to breathe.
God may these last few days be full of quality time and full of peace. I trust you.
