This is not the natural next step in my life. I’ve had a career for six years, I have “stuff” (furniture, a car, etc), I have a good job working with students that I love. This might have made sense right after college, but not now. People have asked me about the World Race for months now…encouraging me to apply, to go. I’ve always shrugged them off saying, “I have a job, I can’t do that.” So what changed my mind? What led me to this place? I’m glad you asked. 🙂
I’ve gone on mission trips for just about as long as I can remember. I grew up in a family that oftentimes went on mission trips instead of family vacations. That’s always been a part of my life. To really understand this story I have to start seven years ago…
In 2001, I took a semester off of college to go work in an orphanage in Uganda. I’d been there three years earlier and had fallen in love with that country. I couldn’t wait to get back. When our plane landed, I could feel Africa all around me. The air felt different against my skin, the sky was enormous again, I could smell the scent of the continent. It felt good to be back, in a strange way it felt like I was returning to a place where I was always meant to return. I spent the first two weeks with a medical mission team. We worked in the northern part of the country holding clinics for people who had no other opportunity for medical care. Hundreds of people would walk for miles to come and wait in line for hours in the scorching sun. Everyday when we left we would leave people behind, unseen because we were out of time. The next day we’d drive miles to another clinic site. When we arrived people would be lined up with their cards from the day before. They had walked all night to get to the next clinic site and hope for a chance to be seen that day. It was emotionally draining. And yet I could see what I was doing and how it made a difference.
After two weeks, my team returned home to the US and I stayed to work at an orphanage in Jinja. Well, as often happens on these trips, my plans didn’t work out the way I had expected. The missionaries I was working with were not in a good place to handle my arrival. Contacts at the orphanage fell through. I was beyond lonely and homesick and to be honest, I was bored. What??!! How could that be? I spent several days feeling sorry for myself, found a new place to live and spent the next few weeks finding “ministry”in everyday life. In spending time in a cafe. In meeting women at the market. In going to different churches in the area. But I wasn’t “doing” anything. I can’t really tell you what I did, I can’t show you a picture of the house I built or tell you a story about orphans I played with. In the end, I came home early defeated and confused. I’d done mission trips before, my dad worked for a missions agency, I should have been good at this! Gradually, the Lord freed me from feeling like a failure because I didn’t “do” enough. He gave me glimpses into the ways He had used me in the lives of people there and what He had done in my life. And I realized He didn’t care what I had done, He simply wanted my obedience, my presence, my time.
Fast forward two years to May of 2003. I was sitting on a huge field at OneDay ’03 (a Passion conference) and we were asked who felt called to Go serve the Lord among the nations. As I sat there, I realized how much I wanted to volunteer, how much that resonated with my spirit. And yet something was holding me back. I no longer felt like a failure for not doing enough in Uganda, but I felt like a failure for ever having felt like a failure. Now, if that’s confusing to read, imagine how confusing it was to feel! I no longer felt like a failure, but I felt like a failure for ever having felt like a failure. Phew. And I felt like I had let God down for having to learn that lesson and not just knowing it and living it from the start. Yes, that is obviously a ridiculous thought. I’m a little bit of a perfectionist and don’t like to do things I can’t do right from the beginning. As I sat there feeling like the Lord would never entrust me with such a great privilege, I heard two things from the Lord. The first hasn’t really been completed yet so I’ll wait on that one for now. But the second brings us to where we are now. The Lord told me that I would go again and that it would not be alone. My first thought was that my husband and I would get to go be missionaries somewhere, but even as the thought entered my mind, the Lord gently corrected me. That was not His promise for now. Maybe someday, maybe not, but not now.
Gradually I forgot that promise and I went on tons of trips in the meantime. I led groups of 150 students on mission trips. Yet none of those were the fulfillment of His promise. Then this spring I was faced with the possibility of not having a job-our church had to lay off several staff people. I realized I wasn’t worried about losing my job. I knew if I did, the Lord had something better for me. Well, I didn’t lose my job, but the Lord did convict me of my pride. It was easy to trust Him if I didn’t have any other option! He asked me if I would trust Him when I could stay in my current job. And slowly, He led me back to the idea of the World Race. When I filled out my application, one of the questions asked what I though the hardest part of this trip would be. I answered hands down living in such close community with people. I like personal space, I enjoy having time to myself. The day after I sent my app in, as I was driving to work I suddenly remembered the Lord’s promise to me 5 years earlier. I would go again (check) and I would not go alone (check check). Definitely not alone.
So here I go. Feeling beyond privileged to be chosen by God to share His love among the nations. And immensely humbled that He can work through someone as broken as I am. Certain that I will fail many times over. But trusting that my Great God can work through my deepest failures. Bring it on.
