**This is the first of two blogs because the story is so long. Please read When I Disappeared…Part 2 also!
This is the blog I knew I would write. But I’ve been hesitant to start because I fear my words won’t be able to capture my experience. And I’m afraid it will sound trite, routine, even cliche. But it was none of those things.
The first few days of Training Camp were designed to help us let go of hurts, burdens, wrong mindsets. We had opportunities to grieve and to heal. And while I completely understood the importance of those things, I just didn’t feel like I had a lot to deal with in those areas. I’m a pretty good griever (at least if crying regularly is any indication)! But pretty early on, the Lord started speaking to me about some other patterns in my life. Ben Messner (one of our trainers) was sharing a little bit of his story and he said,
“I kept signing up for more and more things/activities because I was afraid if I didn’t, no one would know my name.”
Kelly and Jeff
This spoke so clearly to my heart and I wept because I realized the Lord was asking me to give up the things I feel known for. To give up the titles I hold, the gifts that I use for my own glory and to be satisfied serving Him even if no one ever recognized me or knew my name!
So a couple of days later when we were asked to choose a log and write down the things we needed to surrender, I couldn’t grab a Sharpie fast enough. We were given a few minutes to ask the Lord, but I was way past that.
Role…Title…Position
That’s what my log said. We were asked to challenge ourselves, so I chose a pretty large piece of firewood and wrote in big, bold letters. After our leaders prayed over each of us individually, we were sent off down a path, having no idea how long we would be walking or exactly where we were heading. I knew the Lord had been preparing me for this all week, so I began by clutching my log close to my chest, holding tightly with both arms. I knew that represented how tightly I was clinging to those things. I hadn’t walked too long, maybe 30 minutes, when I looked down and realized that the Sharpie was rubbing off on my skin. As I inspected my arms, the were covered with the impression of the words I had written.
I realized then that the longer I carried that log, the more it would mark me. Now, Sharpie can be removed with a little soap and water (although not that day since we didn’t get showers :), but I knew the marks imprinted on my heart would be much harder to remove. I began holding the log more loosely, beginning to feel genuinely ready to let it go.
After walking another half an hour or so, I came to Sean who seemed to mark the end of the path. I was so ready to be done with that log that I approached him quickly, anxious to finally be done carrying this burden. He asked if I needed more water or a bathroom and when I answered, “No”, he told me to turn around and keep walking. I almost argued with him, positive I didn’t need to walk anymore. The Lord had been working in my heart all week on this issue! I was done! But, wisely, I kept my mouth shut and began the journey back the way I came.
Finally, after another hour of walking, I passed Jane who gave us final directions to the end. I was walking with purpose now, beyond ready to let go of this burden! As I walked up the final hill, I passed a couple of folks heading back down and knew that they must be sending some people back because they hadn’t fully surrendered. As I walked towards Ben, he was talking with someone and while I waited, 4 or 5 other folks came up behind me. Seeing a large group, Ben just looked at us and asked who was there for the first time. When we raised our hands, he told us to go back to the bottom of the hill and then come back.
to be continued…
