I styled my hair in front of a mirror today. (And by “styled” I mean brushed and scrunched and left alone to air dry.) You wouldn’t think that would be especially noteworthy, but then maybe you’ve never been on the World Race. And I started thinking and realized I can’t remember the last time I brushed my hair in front of the mirror. Actually, we’ve had them available the past couple of months, but I’ve gotten so used to not using them that I never even think about it anymore.
So I started wondering what else has changed that I never even think about anymore. And you know what? I’ve changed A LOT! Sure, I’ve adapted to primitive living conditions and few luxuries. I can bucket shower with the best of them and almost prefer squatty potties to western ones. But that’s not the good stuff. Shiloh told me last week that she sees how much my attitude towards community has changed. How much more I embrace it now than I did at the beginning of the race. And I know I’ve been able to lay open my heart to my six teammates this month. I have more patience. I have more of a desire to grow and see my squad grow. I am able to love people more. I’ve laid down my rights time and time again.
But then comes one day last week. One of those days when I decided ‘my rights‘ actually are ‘my rights’ so why should I have to surrender them? I was getting ready to leave my team for a week and knew I had a crazy travel schedule coming up. I got annoyed first thing in the morning over dinner plans. I was extremely impatient with Alex because I wanted to use the internet when she was on it. I couldn’t go to sleep because another team was meeting in my room. And I did not hide my brattiness well that day. It was all out there for everyone to see. And I was frustrated with myself for acting that way, but that frustration just made me more annoyed. It was a vicious little cycle! But the next day I swallowed my pride (that will never taste good!) and apologized to Alex and my team. And you know what? They forgave me. They didn’t hold it against me. It didn’t make them love me any less.
In fact, I think it made them love me more. Or maybe it just made their love more genuine. Because they’ve seen me at my ugliest. I don’t have to put on my church clothes and happy face when I’m around them anymore. And I know that if they can love me even then, even when I’m impatient, even when I’m reluctant to change, when I’m dark and brooding…then they must really love me. Back in China I realized how much God loves me. But it’s not just God that loves me. They love me too.
Dark am I, yet lovely…
Song of Solomon 1:5
