“Lord, bring on any amount of pain,
digging, surgery, correction, yelling, hitting, breaking, molding,
forming, stripping, changing, killing, healing, hurting, loving,
emptying, filling…Bring on anything that will make me the person You
want me to be. A person who lives for Your glory and is bringing Your
Kingdom to earth.”
That was my prayer just two weeks ago. I had no idea what I was asking. I still have no idea what I’m asking, but at least now I know I don’t know what I’m asking! I mean, it was and is a genuine prayer. But a little naive. But maybe a little naivete isn’t a bad thing. Because otherwise, would we every pray those prayers?
A few weeks ago, I claimed I was ready for whatever God had for me. But this week has been by far the hardest week since I decided to go on the race. I haven’t had one doubt until this week. And for some reason I am terrified of what the Lord is doing now. I’ve had moments of questioning who God is, what He’s calling me to do, if He’s good. And moments where, to be quite honest, I’ve decided I like my life pretty well the way it is. Suddenly the things that seemed exciting are terrifying, the power of the Lord is scary and I’ve had to confront my expectations. I knew this would change my life…or so I thought. But I’m realizing that I didn’t expect this to shake up what I’ve always believed about God. I thought this would be “in addition to” what I already knew, not “instead of” some of the things I thought to be true. I thought I could engage my heart while still reasoning logically with my mind. Instead, my mind is fighting fiercely because it doesn’t understand this Jesus. The Jesus who really does work miracles today. The Jesus who genuinely couldn’t care less if I ever have a “job” again. The Jesus who isn’t messing around when He says He wants EVERY part of me. How many times will I think I’ve surrendered it all, just to discover that there are still worlds I am desperately clinging to?
digging, surgery, correction, yelling, hitting, breaking, molding,
forming, stripping, changing, killing, healing, hurting, loving,
emptying, filling…Bring on anything that will make me the person You
want me to be. A person who lives for Your glory and is bringing Your
Kingdom to earth.”
That was my prayer just two weeks ago. I had no idea what I was asking. I still have no idea what I’m asking, but at least now I know I don’t know what I’m asking! I mean, it was and is a genuine prayer. But a little naive. But maybe a little naivete isn’t a bad thing. Because otherwise, would we every pray those prayers?
Carly Farver wrote a great blog a few days ago about “choosing in”. Choosing to follow Christ no matter what the cost. Check out John 6 to see how the disciples responded when things got crazy. I chose in. I am committed to all the Lord has for me no matter how hard it gets. But I am realizing that my expectations were a little off base.
A few weeks ago, I claimed I was ready for whatever God had for me. But this week has been by far the hardest week since I decided to go on the race. I haven’t had one doubt until this week. And for some reason I am terrified of what the Lord is doing now. I’ve had moments of questioning who God is, what He’s calling me to do, if He’s good. And moments where, to be quite honest, I’ve decided I like my life pretty well the way it is. Suddenly the things that seemed exciting are terrifying, the power of the Lord is scary and I’ve had to confront my expectations. I knew this would change my life…or so I thought. But I’m realizing that I didn’t expect this to shake up what I’ve always believed about God. I thought this would be “in addition to” what I already knew, not “instead of” some of the things I thought to be true. I thought I could engage my heart while still reasoning logically with my mind. Instead, my mind is fighting fiercely because it doesn’t understand this Jesus. The Jesus who really does work miracles today. The Jesus who genuinely couldn’t care less if I ever have a “job” again. The Jesus who isn’t messing around when He says He wants EVERY part of me. How many times will I think I’ve surrendered it all, just to discover that there are still worlds I am desperately clinging to?
So, again today, I am choosing in. In a moment when I would rather do anything else. When the thought of climbing into my parents’ bed and never leaving sounds so much better. When I’d like to shut my mind off and not worry about the poor and broken that He loves. Pretend they don’t exist because it ruins my picturesque life. When I am terrified to prepare for battle because that means there really is a war. I am choosing in when I don’t want to. Because that’s when it counts the most.
