i climbed a 14er once.

I put on the right clothes (layers to be cool as we hiked, but keep warm at the top of the peak.)  I packed water.  I put on my tennis shoes and got out of the car early on a July morning.  And we started walking.  We’d taken all of about 20 steps before I was out of breath.  The altitude was already killing my lungs and the peak was so far in the distance that I felt certain “it” couldn’t be the one we were climbing.  

It was so. far. away.

Are you getting this?  It was far.

And I was out of breath.

And I was mad.  Like wouldn’t talk to either of my friends for a good two hours because I was so mad.  Because it didn’t seem to be getting any closer.  And I was still panting and my lungs were burning.  And it did NOT seem like a good time.  They chatted away and I walked a few steps behind them seething.  And not saying a word.  I gave them the silent treatment.  They didn’t seem to notice.  

But gradually that mountain got closer.  And at some point I realized that even though it wasn’t getting any easier, it wasn’t actually getting any harder either.  And that had been my fear all along.  If I was already dying after 20 steps, how bad would it be after 50?  And 500?  And 2000?  I didn’t think I wanted to find out.  But remarkably enough, I was still putting one foot in front of the other and slowly but surely,that peak was getting closer.  

And then we made it to the top.  And it was unbelievable.

And I keep thinking about dreams.  All the things we want to do and be and create and live out.  I want to see orphans find families.  And I want to see women freed from forced prostitution.  And I want to see people in Kenya have enough food to eat, and wars come to an end and sick people healed.  But the truth is that every time I start to take a step, the problem seems bigger and the issue seems farther away.  Even more out of reach.  And my steps don’t seem to be getting me any closer.  And sometimes I can’t even tell which mountain it is I’m supposed to be walking towards.

But I’m realizing that most of us don’t accidentally fall into changing the world.  We don’t wake up one day and realize we’ve done it.  We take one small step at a time.  We make one small choice.  And then another.  And then another.  Because we all want to get to the top of the mountain.  But I don’t usually want to love the person that’s right in front of me.  I don’t usually want to sacrifice more.  I don’t usually want to get off my couch or interrupt my plans or change my routine.  It’s one of those things that sounds really cool to say you’ve done (yeah, I climbed a 14er), but doesn’t actually sound like that much fun to do. 

And it’s easy for me to romanticize what other people are doing.  Read about the mountaintops and peaks and think that they actually get to do the cool stuff.  But then I remember that they wake up every morning and decide what they’re going to do that day just like I do.  So today, I’m doing one small thing.  Believing that with every step, I am getting closer.

And I know it’s cliche…but I don’t care.