I’m not even sure if it can be called a mural, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. Something I hope I will get to do more than once on my Race. It is a challenge to myself that I’ve always wondered if I was talented enough or capable of doing.
As I stared at the blank cream-colored wall in front of me, I envisioned jumbles of colors and words and possibilities. I had no idea where to start or what I wanted it to eventually look like, all I had was the verse Matthew 4:4 to go off of.
But he answered, “It is written, “ ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’ “
I began to sketch it out in pencil. And then I erased it. Then sketch. Then erase. Then sketch, and then erase. I noticed there was a pattern here.
The cream wall started to become less cream and more of my eraser smudges and the lead covered prints of my hands than of the words I was trying to write. I was getting so discouraged, and my old enemy who told me I was not good enough was creeping back in. It whispered those phrases I had heard or told myself for most of my young adulthood.
“You can’t do this, you don’t have the talent. Why did you ever think you did? You’re not special at anything really. You don’t have anything to offer. You weren’t created for a purpose. You’re not good enough. You’ll never be enough.”
It escalated all too quickly, sending me into my default inward spiral of feeling lost.
All from a blank wall.
If it were this time last year, I would be emotionally out of the game for the day. Sitting and wallowing in the self-pity, which came from believing those lies that told me, I wasn’t enough, and I was lost. And even though I know God has told me differently, the enemy still knows which buttons of mine to press.
After working for another eraser-filled and frustrating hour I yelled in my head, “Jesus, what am I doing here?”
He responded as He always does when I yell out at Him, with gentleness and grace which starkly contrasts the tone of my questions. He told me to step back and look at the whole picture.
Jesus, what are you doing in me?
He had used my hands to cover a wall with words that He spoke so many years ago. So what else did He have to say about me before I was ever even a thought in my parents’ heads?
He said I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)
He said I am an image bearer of Christ. (Genesis 1:26)
He said I am His child. (John 1:12)
He said I am an heir to the throne. (Romans 8:17 & Galatians 4:7)
He said I am accepted. (Romans 15:7)
He said I am chosen. (1 Thessalonians 1:4)
He said I have been made complete. (Colossians 2:10)
So I sat staring at this wall with all my pencil markings and smudges on it and saw what the Lord was doing in me. Every day I wake up with a blank page (wall in this particular metaphor) that gets to be filled with emotions and memories and color.
And each day those words He says about me are true. I am enough.
I get a new wall every day. I get to make the pencil markings and the paint colors and what goes where, but God is in control of the bigger picture. And every once in a while He’ll let me catch a glimpse of it by nudging me to just step back.
And even when I finally did finish and could step back and see all I had worked on for the past few days, all my eyes were drawn to were mistakes I had made or things I would have done differently. Constantly critiquing myself and never accepting it as good enough, I’m thankful my teammates saw that in me and made me say all the things I liked about it.
They made me shift my focus and I got a glimpse of what God tells me to do in myself everyday. See what He created and agree when He calls it good.
So no, the painting is not perfect and it has flaws, but you know what? I am not perfect and have a gazillion flaws, but that doesn’t change the way my Creator looks at me. He does not step back and pick me a part and wish He had molded me together differently. Instead, He looks at me and beams with joy at what He created. Who am I to tell God He is wrong about that?
Jesus did not come and die for us so we would walk with our heads low comparing ourselves to others and constantly tearing ourselves down. He came so I could claim my place in His eternal kingdom and title as His daughter. Not so I would have to earn it, but so I would be freely given it. He came so I would be given a white wall every day for Him to create in me what He has.
Also, if you need a laugh, picture me trying to explain to a very confused Albanian hardware store worker I needed purple paint by pointing to my purple polished toenails because I had no other purple to reference.
