I have been reading a lot of ‘End of Year’ blogs, along with everyone’s take on what re-entry means to them – I still have no idea for myself. But the best ones I read laid out expectations for their people at home.
It filled me with a relief that told me it was alright to feel this way in coming home and to not spend hours stressing out about how to explain the frazzled state of your being to every family member, friend, and commoner you come in contact with back in the States.
So I figured I would give it a shot.
1) I am still me. You still know me, I am just different.
Same same, but different is what they call this phenomenon in Asia.
My physical appearance has changed very little since I got on that first airplane in Atlanta last September. I am no taller (obviously), skinnier (unfortunately), or tanner (shocker) than I was when I left 11 months ago.
I have a few more white tattoos, my hair tips have been a couple different colors other than its natural dirty blonde, and the soles of my feet might be more like worn leather than skin.
I still love hammocking and rainy days. ICEEs remain my favorite food group and lime green is still my favorite color.
But my heart and my soul, now that is a different story. Ask me about it.
I am not who I used to be, but I am still me – Same Same, but Different.
I may have spent the better half of this year smelling a little less than ideal, wearing clothes that were in questionable taste, and playing charades with every coffee shop barista, but I am still me. I might not know how to function socially when everyone around me speaks English, but I am still me.
I may have been all over the world this year, but I am still Kelly Anne, I just know myself better and am more confident in that.
2) Give me space.
PC: Anna Kate Auten
Understand my introvertedness has nothing to do with me not wanting to hang out with you. I am learning what healthy boundaries look like at home and for me to be fully functioning member of society.
Honestly though, the thought of hanging out with people is already exhausting, because I know the questions you are going to ask and that I want to answer.
This year has been every which way and then some, and my emotions are one in the same with it in coming home. I am going to need the space to breathe, journal, think, and sort it all out once I am state side.
I need to figure out what my new normal is now, or if I will ever have a definition of ‘normal’ to call mine again.
3) Ask me specific questions.
(Like why did you think it was a good idea to let Abel play with your hair?)
If you ask me “How was your year?” I will probably freeze and start twitching at the thought of trying to put this year into a single sentence with a nice tidy bow on it.
Each month felt like a year in itself, overflowing with so many of my now favorite life-memories.
Ask me what I have learned this year, or questions straight from out of my blogs or Facebook posts. Don’t be vague with me.
Then when I ask you to tell me stories from your year, know that I do not want a vague three worded answer back. I want to hear about how your students formed a coup in your classroom during nap time or a heart break you went through while I was gone.
Tell me what you were going through as you were reading what I was going through. I want to hear what I really missed. And let me know how my Race affected you – I am very much a words person, and would love to hear the impact of my past year on your life or how you have seen me grow.
4) Be down to Adventure with me.
And be flexible when plans are not fully fleshed out.
Whether it is across the country to the Grand Canyon in our cars, across the yard to our Enos in a tree, or across the living room to our couch for a movie, let’s go.
I spent a year on the go and I know in coming home I will be just as stir crazy. I was like this before I left, but it has definitely heightened since leaving.
Or better yet, Let’s go do something I know brings you joy. Because doing things that other people love to do with the people who love to do them, is one of my favorite activities
5) But also, just sit with me.
PC: Anna Kate Auten
We do not have to talk every moment we are around each other. I might be more comfortable in silence these days. Just know how much it means that you are next to me and do not feel pressure to force conversation.
6) Challenge me not to be the same person I left as.
Don’t let me settle into comfortability of all that ‘home’ will bring.
You want to really know what I learned this year? It is how much I value the influence on me of those around me.
I want to surround myself with people who call me higher and do not let me throw pity parties for myself when I am discouraged. I want people to remind me that I was created with the strength to take on the world, even if I have stairwells of step backs in the process.
I went around the world for 11 months and found the people who impact you the most are the ones doing life right next to you in the cover of a doorway in Greece during a rainstorm you got stuck in.
They are the ones sitting on top of you in the 7 seater car holding 13 people, the ones who remain as you cry over the kitchen sink doing dishes, or will dream with you in a field under the stars for hours in Lesotho.
This year I was broken, but don’t let me remain in brokenness. Challenge me. Push me back to Jesus. Push me outside my comfort zones. Expect more from me. Believe in me.
More importantly – make me believe in myself.
7) Show me grace upon grace.
I may spend extra time marveling over air conditioning (give me a break I have been sweating for the past 8 months straight) or how fluffy and warm clothes feel out of the dryer. I might freeze up in Target or Publix over the cost of items and the use of USD.
Most likely, I will continue to talk with my hands, playing charades with everyone I have a question for – forgetting strangers can speak English.
I will reference gross stories from the past year with an unfazed sigh, or have a breakdown over the memories a plastic spork will bring me.
I will most likely be horrible at responding to messages from you because I’m not used to having my phone back – and I am sorry for that in advance. On that note, If you want to see me, pursue me! Don’t assume because I have not messaged you I do not want to hang out. I know I will just be overwhelmed.
I am doing this thing called ‘re-entry’ and I have no prior experience in the matter. There is no telling what emotions it all will bring out in me, and I need your grace to help me walk through it.
8) Buy me an ICEE.
Or take me to chipotle or Starbucks for an Iced Chai. Cook Kraft Mac n Cheese. Eat a bowl of cereal with me. Take me to Angie’s subs or Tropical Smoothie. Shower me in Swedish Fish and watch the joy explode all over my face.
I’ve discovered I do not hide my emotions well and wear them all over my face, so you are in for a treat if you take me for a treat.
It’s been too long, and really all I want is an ICEE in a styrofoam cup from the Gate Station.
9) Take the wheel.
The past year, I have spent countless hours on transportation through border crossings, waiting for cows or sheep to clear the road, or waiting for our driver to get back in the vehicle after abruptly deciding to take a leak on the side of the road.
But besides driving a scooter in Cambodia, or if you count backing a truck out of the driveway in Thailand, I have not driven in 11 months. And the thought of it is a little daunting.
Take the wheel and let me sit in the seat beside you as I feel like I am 15 again with my learner’s permit and acclimate back into life on the road.
10) Expect me to not be okay, and that is okay.
The past year I have said heart-wrenching goodbyes at the end of every month and Jesus broke me and created a new joy within me that I still battle to hold on to. I will have just said goodbyes to my constant family/community from the past year – and I will not be okay after that.
I moved more times than I remember and no longer know what my concept of ‘home’ is. And now, I am expected to come back to it in America.
I will struggle, and that is okay. I will cry because I am mourning a large chapter in my life coming to a close and missing my people, and that is okay. I will fight to stay present in conversations because my mind is somewhere else, and that is okay.
I might shut down and crawl into a shell after talking to too many people, but give me some time, and I will eventually get there, and really be okay.
Listen to me, but understand that you will sometimes not understand.
There is so much that I need to process through this year. I do not expect you to fix things when I tell you my heart, I just expect you to listen, I do expect a response.
11) Dream with me. Pray with me.
Expect big things from me, because I know God does.
Nothing is out of reach or too weird, let’s explore options and things that we love that we never thought possible or ourselves capable of. Let’s pull out in each other our best qualities and exploit them to their full potential, embracing the fullness of each other.
Dreams were a huge theme of my Race, and I never plan on stopping or growing out of them. Dream with Jesus and me.
Help me discover what is next for me, as this next season is one of complete trust in His provision. Pray for discernment. Pray for peace. Pray for grace. Pray for me just to hold it together.
Pray for this whole re-entry process, because I’m ready to come home, but terrified of it at the same time.
See you soon, friends!
