Less than 6 weeks, that’s all I have left before launch. Six weeks to love my people at home, to figure out bank accounts, to make necessary phone calls, to raise the remaining $6,000, and to make as many state side memories as I can to take with me through the next year.
Since returning from the 10 days of training camp, I have felt a rushing need to do everything and see everyone, to fit it all in. I got back on a Thursday night, rinsed my tent off, spent time with my parents, was attacked by my sister’s cat, woke up early Friday morning to go to work, woke up early Saturday morning to go float down Rainbow River, woke even earlier Sunday morning to spend the day at Disney World, and woke up the past two days to work again and spend time with friends.
I am coming to the realization I may have gotten less sleep than I did at training camp since I’ve been back.
My world is too full of distractions.
I left TC completely full, but now, just under a week later, I feel like a deflated balloon. I am run down because I never took the time to process and fill back up, I just got back and went full throttle. This is when I am reminded of words we were told before we left, the habits you build now before you launch are the habits you take with you. I may get distracted, but I am so thankful His grace still finds me.
I have been so fixated on what I am going to miss, I have lost sight of all I am going to gain and have to look forward to. Jesus was just waiting for me to finally give up control and let Him take me on this adventure. It’s going to be bumpy ride, but it is time I got some real skin the game. The preparations I take before I launch, the people I see, the places I go, and the books I read will all go with me.
I am currently writing this blog sitting outside Starbucks as it is pouring outside, the best kind of weather. As I listen to the huge droplets of rain hit the veranda above me, I hear the Lord romancing me.
I am reminded of how it was supposed to rain for most of training camp, but it only stormed for a few hours one night.
This was my first lesson of the Race on how our Papa is not a forecast, not a box that we constrain Him in, not a human being with limits. He is a good and gracious Father who wants to love us, protect us, and provide for us. We just have to ask for it and let Him step in.
The first few days of training camp I repeatedly thought to myself,
“Lord, what the hell am I doing here?”
I was exhausted.
I didn’t want to sleep on an inch and half of foam in a tent.
I wanted a shower that didn’t involve baby wipes or a bucket.
I wanted friends who already knew how weird I was and accepted me.
I didn’t want to be vulnerable…again, the inside of me was too ugly.
I wanted ice, and water that didn’t come from a hose.
I didn’t want to eat rice with my hands with the knowledge of what silverware was.
I wanted comfort, but realized I was called to be uncomfortable.
As more days passed my question of what am I doing there transformed to why am I being called to be there, to what is my purpose there, to why did I ever think I didn’t belong there, to why have I not done this sooner, to not even a question anymore but an affirmation of knowing I am not supposed to be doing anything else.
All of my original thoughts crumbled as I embraced what the next year of my life was going to look like. It is really happening. Training camp is just the beginning.
God discreetly showed me facets of His love I had never opened my eyes to. He loudly whispered to me, “I AM THIS BIG. Embrace all of me, not just parts of me.” And for as big as He is, He showed me how detailed and small He can be too. He is the breath which fills my lungs, He is in the new friends who came to embrace all of me and bring out the fool that I am, He is in their words, He is in every drop of rain which I love and in every grain of red Georgia dirt which I do not love.
When I found my dear friend Cassidy, I saw Jesus in true form. For those who have seen her dance, you know it’s a real treat. It is ridiculous and without rules or limits, it’s all over the place, but it inspired me to let loose and break inhibitions in joining her. This is how following Jesus feels, it is freedom without limits. Cassidy’s dancing comes from her heart of being herself and not letting judgements dictate her path. She loves Jesus with a freedom which makes other people want to love Jesus. Man, talk about a beautiful quality.
She was just one of many squad mates I came to know and love, and each of them had something different to show me about the character of Christ.
Meet the coolest, most chill people you will ever come across:
The Underdogs that are Y Squad. The incredible people who embraced and filled my love tank with physical touch, and showed me it is possible to meet 49 brand new people and have them all be authentically true and beautiful souls.
They are the people for the next 11 months I will be learning from and growing with.
For the first few months I have been blessed with the opportunity to lead some pretty cool humans.
Meet Team Kairos:
We will be starting out September in Marikaj, Albania serving Hope for the World Albania.
One of my other squad mates blogged the most accurate sentence to describe training camp:
“During Training Camp, I lost my sanity, and gained awakening.”
Amen, Jesus.
I am not capable of carrying it all, or any of it for that matter. But He is. His strength is more than sufficient.
So yes, I cried, I lived out of a backpack, I slept in my Eno hammock most nights, missed using porcelain flushing toilets, wished I could just be by myself for a minute, was challenged in every area of my life, but training camp changed everything. It changed my mindset, it changed my heartset, it reignited the fire in the deepest parts of my soul where only He can reach. It taught me I can be my true self, and that that is enough, and where I fail, Jesus is more than enough.
