It was around 1:30 AM and there I sat, at the South African border, on the cold concrete sidewalk with my 50-pound pack on my back and my 25-pound daypack on my front. I looked up at Nicole already knowing what her face would look like. Seconds before the moment when I hit the ground she extended her hand to me in a pointless effort to save my backside. On my way down, I saw in both of our faces the quick and resolute admission of defeat.
She tried to save me, but nothing was stopping what felt like the slow motion decent that would result with me slamming on to the ground, hard.
Her face full of pity, and fear that I had hurt myself, but at the same time fighting off laughter and a smile that slowly crept across her face as it was discovered I was physically fine, just my pride slightly bruised.
I had dropped a flashlight on our way back to the bus and out of security screening our bags. In a sleep drunken stupor I thought I could bend down to pick it up.
With 50 lbs. on my back and 25 lbs. on my front.
I do not exactly make smart decisions when I am sleep deprived.
Next thing I know, I’m on the ground with Nicole standing over me. All we could do was laugh as I sat there and then went to my knees and hoisted myself up with as much skill and grace as Cheryl Strayed described in her book Wild.
What a reflection of what the past month and a half has been for me on the Race.
PC:AnnaKate Auten
While in Zimbabwe we were given the opportunity for one of us to teach every night on any topic we felt the Lord wanted us to share with the congregation.
I quickly discovered the Lord did not want me to share what I was confident or competent in, but instead, He wanted me to share pieces of the ugly mess I was currently walking in.
So what did He have me teach about to ears so eager to listen while I stood shaking with initial nervousness?
First, I taught on the woman at the well. Then I spoke about choices and finding your purpose. Last, it was all about the Gospel.
Three topics that have pushed me and my pride, and what felt like an extra 75-pounds, tumbling to the ground too many times.
PC: AnnaKate Auten
The Woman at the Well (John 4:7-15) taught me how Jesus will show you everything you thought you could never change about your life or circumstances can be covered with hope. The well we must continually come back to is a life abiding with Him, a place to come to and be filled up by Him with the water of His love and grace that will never cause us to thirst again.
How our Savior looks beyond our labels, circumstance, and shame, and holds out forgiveness, healing, and hope by the bucketful.
The well is always there, and the water is always fresh.
Next up, it was all on choices and my ever-favorite reoccurring theme running through my head – finding purpose. I realized we have the choice every morning to wake up to thrive in any circumstance or to let the circumstances control us and dictate our joy.
If I choose to opt in on what the Lord is doing in me or wants to do through me, His blessings are much more abundant.
But like in the story of Sarai and Hagar (Genesis 16:1-6) sometimes when we opt in and agree to say ‘yes’ to the things He calls us to do, we become restless and impatient when it isn’t done in the timing we want.
We trade God’s plans for our plans, forgetting the fullness of His promises.
But He remains faithful even when we are faithless and will turn our restlessness into rest in Him.
He who has already put miracles in motion in my life will be faithful to see them through (Philippians 1:6). No matter how uncertain or stubborn I can be.
Now, when He gave me that my third teaching would be on the Gospel, I thought I had that one on lock, no problem. Little did I know the questions He was about to ask of me on this topic.
Do you know the Gospel?
Do you know that you were designed on purpose, with intention and love and care?
Do you know that you are tragically broken but that the very One who made you can make you whole and wholly loved?
Do you know that you have hope for forever?
Do you know that none of this depends on you but on the Creator, who loves you?
Did you know the work has already been done, the gift secured, and kept safe for you?
Man, I need to stop thinking I have things under control.
He brought me to the story of Prodigal Son in Luke 15. He told me that the story of the Gospel is a call that no matter the circumstances, He wants you to come home to Him just as you are.
But what if you are still uncertain about coming back?
Tim Keller couldn’t have put it better when he said,
“We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”
That is something I want to be continually certain in.
Also, when you sing ‘Jesus Loves You’ as part of a sermon and the congregation feels bad and starts singing along with you, probably to drown out your voice, you might feel as if you hit a low point. But when I take all of what He wanted me to teach to others, I see all of what He wanted to teach me.
He wants me to find rest at the well and to quench my thirst for joy and hope. He wants me to realize that everyday is a chance to choose joy and choose Him and He will give me purpose. He wants me to know I can come home, no matter how many times I fall hard and hit the ground under the extra weight I have put on myself.
While in Glendale, the Lord was constantly telling me to look up.
Look up at the crowd of my children you are speaking to and see me in their beautifully, dark, loving eyes.
Look up over the soybean fields and see the mountains I’ve created for you to look at and be reminded of my vastness in this moment.
Look up at and take part in the joy Catherine is exuding, even if it is coming from the prospect of her finally killing a chicken.
Look up and see the huge, majestic tree that represents your turnaround point for your run this morning.
Look up and hear the voices of my children vibrantly singing praises to me, and dance and sing alongside them without a filter.
Look up at the mirror and laugh hysterically at the cornrows Heather just did on your head, and then throw a kimono on so now you look like Ron Swanson.
Look up at the women I’ve surrounded you with and see me in all of them. Let me love you through them.
Look up at me, so you stop falling when you look at the world that will continually trip you up.
PC:AnnaKate Auten
As we traveled out of Zimbabwe and into Lesotho, I stepped out from under the cloud of darkness spiritual warfare had held me under. I was able to look back and see my month in Zimbabwe for what it was.
It was hard. I felt like I spent most of the month flat on my face from falling time and time again with 75-pounds of weight dragging me down. But through it, I found walking through old problems with new solutions and solid friends brings more abundant joy than I could ever dare to hope for.
