This is a blog that I’ve been planning to write all year. It looks different in my head every time I think about putting it to paper. Sometimes I want it to be pretty and sugar coated. Other times I need for it to be real and blunt and raw. I am 15 days away from being finished with my race and what better time to explain than after my umpteenth panic attack of the year. I want to bring awareness and prepare those who struggle with anxiety what life on the race looks like. I need to let those that have/will have team mates with a disorder know what we really go through, and ways that my team mates have helped me.
This is what my life on the race has been like with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
15 Ways My Anxiety Tried To Ruin My Year:
1. Anxiety told me I was misunderstood.
For 300 days in a row. By the people I am living life with. The same people God has sent with me to serve His kingdom.
2. I’m unheard.
I’ve been unable to fully communicate my feelings. Leaving me feeling unheard and unable to look those same people in the eye because my mind tells me that they don’t want to hear, for the 100th time, about my worries of the day, week, month, future, past…
3. I can’t stop crying.
I’ve cried more tears than I care to admit. Buckets full. Hurt tears. Angry tears. Frustrated tears. Tears attached to feelings I can’t even explain.
4. I worry too much.
I’ve been told:
“It’s simple, stop worrying”
“You’re just being paranoid”
“Just get over it “
“You’re obsessing over such a small thing”
“You’re overthinking this”
“Calm down”
“You’re letting it have a hold on you more than it should”
And my brain doesn’t process those statements from a perspective of rational thinking. I hear patronizing tones and team mates pointing out my flaws. It feeds my feelings of being misunderstood and all I see in someone who doesn’t care enough about me to try and understand.
5. Anxiety silenced me.
I’ve downplayed actual emotions in fear of making others uncomfortable. I allowed myself to be silenced by the fear of judgment. Anxiety didn’t want me to be heard. Being heard meant my team would know what was going on in my head. Anxiety silenced me.
6. Feedback is alway bad.
The term ‘Feedback’ has become a trigger word because not every piece of feedback has been given to me in love. Those that don’t understand anxiety don’t see through the veil I’ve put up. They can’t see passed my false self. They see a girl that has it all together, not someone with a mental illness.
7. I dreaded team time.
Team times with ESP (letting your team know how you’re doing Emotionally, Spiritually, and Physically) are exhausting, and I try my best to get through them, but odds are, my anxiety will cause me to cry or say something I didn’t plan on. When I’m having an off day, the last thing I want the people getting close to me to know is what my current weakness. Anxiety tells me I am weak.
8. I don’t trust my team or God.
I’ve been asked countless times to be more vulnerable, and left feeling talked down to and unloved when I’m told I’m being paranoid, I don’t socialize enough, and even asked if I’m praying enough when I finally let my walls down. Anxiety makes me question my own faith.
9. I make a mountain out of a molehill.
I overthink, literally everything, because my words are usually counteracted with someone invalidating my feelings. So I hid my turmoil beneath a smile so no one else would ask questions. Each situation I encounter, anxiety tells me that 20 different outcomes can possibly happen, and each one is worse than the next.
10. My feelings aren’t valid.
I’ve ended up unknowingly isolating myself on countless occasions because I try to be more vulnerable and end up hurting someone’s feelings. So somedays, I just stop talking. Anxiety tells me that no one wants to hear from me. Anxiety invalidates my feelings.
11. No one cares about me.
I’ve lost a few ‘Safe People’ that I thought I could confide in, who I guess I confided in too much. I scare them away like every one else because someone with a disorder like mine is tough to deal with.
12. I am too much apart of this world.
I ran to earthly comforts because the world told me that they calm me down and sooth my soul. Music, television, netflix, are all things that quiet the swirl of doubts and self deprecating thoughts in my head. They distract anxiety. But this means less time socializing with my team and even more time not spent talking to God.
13. I’m the problem.
I’ve doubted my worth more than ever before because of the amount of loss I’ve experienced this year. I’ve lost my grandpa, my aunt, trust in team mates, my best friend on the race, safe people, stability, and love. Anxiety said that there is only one common factor to my problems, and that factor is me.
14. I’m a victim.
I’ve been the easiest target for the enemy. It’s like there is a backdoor to my mind that he finds every time I have even a moment of doubt, and 9 times out of 10 I find a way to kick him and his irrational ideas out…other days, like today, it’s not that easy.
15. Anxiety will always have a hold of me.
I had 2 panic attacks within a 12 hour period yesterday. Last Thursday I told my team that God was going to free me from my anxiety disorder before I set foot on US soil. For a week, my anxiety had convinced me that wasn’t going to be a thing. That I am ‘less than’ compared to my team. That no one likes me. That my team and squad won’t keep in contact after the race. That this entire year of my life was wasted. Pretty much every fear, ‘what if’ scenario, worry, and anxious thought I’ve had in my life was concentrated to a week period and I honestly have never felt so hopeless.
In reality, this is a simplified list. These are just a few of the lies that my anxiety thought I should hear this year. Lies that I overthought and obsessed over. In reality, I have to spend the remaining energy I have left on telling myself those lies aren’t true. In reality, this year has been about 80% God forcing me to face my fears and releasing me from my disorder, 10% learning I am not good at living in community, and 10% mission trip.
15 Ways Living in Community Saved My Year:
1. They gave me confidence.
I gained an insane amount of confidence simply by leading worship for my squad on several occasions. I found a comfort in my own abilities. I was misunderstood because I wasn’t giving my team the correct tools. I wasn’t speaking up when I should. I needed to explain how my brain worked because I can’t blame them for misunderstanding me. But It hasn’t been for 300 days in a row. Not even close. They created a space that gave me a chance to talk to the squad about my struggles and bring awareness to mental illnesses.
2. They loved me when I was not lovable.
They cared enough to dig deeper when I didn’t want them to, but needed them to. They gave me room to find my voice. When I tried to show my team a video to give them an idea about how my anxiety actually affects my daily life, my team mate told me they didn’t care how THAT person feels, they want to know how Kelli Wymore feels. It forced me to somehow communicate how I struggle each day.
3. They let me cry.
My teams have sat with me, cried with me, and even given me privacy when they knew it would help. They even encouraged the tears and asked me not to hold them in. I’m sure many times they were left confused and unsure, even more often though, they have asked what I needed. They ask if they can pray with me. Tonight I even had squad mates come to my rescue; one with a very well timed text checking in on me and another who remembered something I talked about during a talk I gave to the squad. They spoke truths over me and reminded me that Satan doesn’t have a hold of me. In Jesus name, we rebuked him.
4. They held my hand.
More often than not, I just need someone to hold my hand and give me a hug, and I’ve got my personal Disney Princess of a team mate, Joey, to handle those duties. Last night my sweet squad mate read Isaiah 41:10 to me (Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.), and one that repeatedly had me declared my freedom from anxiety while she prayed.
// I don’t need to be fixed. The need to fix something implies that the object is broken, and while as a human I do feel broken, I’m not. I am whole and ready to fight. //
5. They’ve learned who I am.
Living in community doesn’t leave much rome to hide feelings and emotions. I’ve live everyday with 2 of my 3 team mates and they can see through my lies in an instant. Even when I don’t want to, they remind me that my feelings are valid and my tears have a purpose.
6. They gave me a safe space.
My experience with feedback has been tainted. Occasionally I’ve been told things that didn’t come from a loving place. So my team abandoned the word. I’ve got an awesome leader that encourages communication between team mates. We’ve gone from following the guidelines set forth by AIM to creating our own process.
7. They helped me grow.
Something about the race continuously makes us act unlike ourself. That’s actually been the biggest factor in my growth tough. Through community I’ve found life long friendships. Friends actually communicate throughout the day. While sometimes things slip through the cracks, my team actually wants to know and make sure that they check in with me. We tend to check in with one another throughout the day. It’s more meaningful and less on-the-spot thinking. They relentlessly encouraged me.
8. They were patient.
My definition of vulnerability is completely different than others. There is only so much my brain in comfortable sharing because people will feel inclined to try and ‘fix me’. Sometimes I’m not even sure what I am feeling and through community, living 24/7 with people, they’ve learned when to push, when to let me process alone, and know I will come to them when I’m ready.
9. Prayer is powerful.
There is always someone around and always someone willing to pray or even just listen. Always. I can’t hide.
10. They don’t let me get away with anything.
They will be the first to tell me when my words were too harsh or carried a hostel tone. They make sure I don’t speak bad about myself.
11. ALL the grace is given.
There is so much grace because everyone has off days. I’m not easy to deal with, but they have the love of Christ in them.
12. They like me.
They believe in me. They support me. They are rooting for me. They are on Team Kelli.
13. They push me to grow spiritually.
In community you pick up the habits of those around you. I am closer to God than I ever have been in my life. Best part, I don’t have to find safety from my anxiety in worldly things. God tells us in Phil 4:6 “Be anxious of NO thing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
14. They remind me that I am enough.
I no longer doubt my worth. I was hand formed by the One, True, Living God. Anxiety can’t have that anymore. I am a treasure worth pursuing because I found myself in Him. It also doesn’t hurt to have 50 something people constantly reminding you of your value. They won’t let me doubt it any longer.
15. We are family.
There are still times I can tell my team is frustrated with me, and I try not to get upset, but I can’t really blame them. It’s a lot to deal with 24/7 for 300 days. But in reality, after 11 months of living life together, that’s ok. We met as strangers a year ago, and now we’re forever family. And family calls you out, gets frustrated with you, but loves you through EVERYTHING.
Those that have an anxiety disorder:
This is just the beginning of your journey to freeedom. I am proof of that. God can deliver you. It is not anything to be ashamed of. Walk in freedome.
Those who have team mates with an anxiety disorder:
Be loving. Be patient. Ask questions. And NEVER let them feel like they are hopeless, unheard, or misunderstood. Create a safe space for them.
With love,
Kelli
