This week at training camp I felt stuck. Stuck in my own head. Stuck in the last chapter of my life. Stuck because I wasn’t completely ready to move on. A lot of healing happened this past week. Not the miraculous kind. But the kind of healing that relates to the heart. However in my tough woman exterior, I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to feel the pain they expected us to pull up from within. So… I didn't.
In fact, with most things in life that hurt me I tell myself to buck up and move on. It doesn’t help to cry about it. But here's the problem, I'm not the tough heroin of a crazy awesome story. In fact, most of the time, I’m a terrified little girl who has unbelievable fairytale dreams, often does cry herself to sleep, and hurts deeply when there is injustice in the world. I cry when I want someone to love me. I cry when my feelings get hurt. I cry when I feel rejected. I cry when I see others hurting.
Fact is… I cry a lot, BUT only when you don’t see me!
It’s funny that I’m terrified of other people seeing this part of me. I’ll tell anybody anything they want to know about me, but what I won’t do is allow them to feel what I feel. I shut people out in an attempt to keep the pain out as well. But what I’m learning is, you can’t keep the pain out without numbing the other stuff like joy, happiness, and most importantly love. In fact, trying to defeat pain alone makes you bitter, detached, and unhappy. And those three things describe my training camp experience.
I wasn’t fair to my squad this week. I saw joy and love written on the hearts and faces of every single one of them and in seeing that I shut down. I was lost in the back of my mind with voices that said, “They don’t care. You’re story doesn’t matter. You don’t need anyone but yourself. This is only between you and God.” Truth is. That voice was not a whisper of my Father’s because people DO care, my story DOES matter and I AM in desperate need of other people in my life. This race isn’t just about me and God. It’s about me, God, my squad, my team, my family, my friends, and the people of the world!
As much as I convince myself that I can go at it alone. We are not created to be alone. As much as I tell the pain inside to shut up and go away, without pain we can’t truly enjoy the moments of relief and happiness. I know where my joy went! I’ve buried every ounce of feeling deep inside for so long, it’s no wonder I felt stuck all week!
The pain of the past hasn’t come out yet and it won’t because I don’t know how to let it. But I won’t stop the feeling next time it tries to escape. I’ll embrace the ugly cry face and cherish each tear that falls. This is going to be a great year!! 
