First things first:
We made it to Swaziland, and it is beautiful here. We are all enjoying the scenery immensely and the ministry here at El Shaddai. We are slowly getting into the swing of things, getting to know the kids, and figuring out our life here. Whether it's painting a wall, scraping paint off a wall, working in the garden, or spending the day in what has been deemed "the baby house", each day (at least for me) has been rejuvenating and full of all the kind of good stuff you hope to get out of a trip like this.
So there's that– the necessary bits. Now to the broody, introspective stuff that I do sOooOoo well.
I was having a one-on-one meeting with my team leader Paul the other day, just to talk about where I'm at and how I'm doing spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc. etc. At first, I really couldn't respond adequately. I knew I had been feeling something, but I hadn't been able to identify it right at that moment, so I simply said, "Yeah…I think I'm okay? Yeah…I'm good" and then something about "just rolling with it" (whatever that means). However, as the conversation continued, slowly but surely, things started coming up and I was finally able to articulate some things.
If you've known me for any significant amount of time, you probably know that the Holy Spirit and the gifts of the Holy Spirit have never, ever, been a part of my spiritual life (which is ironic because Adventures in Missions is like, you know, super into all that). As far as I know, I've never had a supernatural experience of any kind, have never been "anointed" with a "gift", or felt anything that other-worldly in my time as a Jesus person. I actually have spent a lot of time scoffing at all of that, because I have always related with the more practical side of things and figured that airing on the side of practicality would, for lack of a better phrase, yield better results.
However, I am on the World Race, and like I mentioned before, Adventures in Missions and the World Race is super into all that weird stuff. And if I'm being honest, it has made me at least mildly uncomfortable this entire time. To say the very least, I have been skeptical. I have had a healthy respect for the people on my squad who do interact with God in these ways, but I have also kept a healthy distance, and up until a few days ago had every intention of keeping that distance throughout the entire year. I had decided right from the get-go that falling on the floor and seeing visions of various nature-related objects wasn't the reason I signed up for the World Race. If that's what everyone else wanted to do, that was fine, but it wasn't me. It's not me. It's just so unbelievably not me. I don't know if I can adequately describe with words how far from my personality that kind of stuff is.
Anyway, so we're talking, and he asks me how I'm doing with all the Holy Spirit stuff, and I gave him the same answer I've been giving everyone here when asked similar questions.
"I mean, I'm open to it I guess, but God and I just don't have that kind of relationship; we never have."
Then I spouted out some typical stuff about my doubts, my questions, and being too critically minded to just buy into that kind of stuff without serious thought, research, and theologizing. We talked a bit more about this, then he, rather bluntly, offered up a challenge. He began by saying something like (and I'm totally paraphrasing here), "Every time we talk you say something similar. You're always talking about how you're okay with where you're at spiritually, that you have a lot of questions, and that you're a slow-mover when it comes to this sort of thing…and that's fine, because God is okay with where you're at….but you should never be okay with where you're at. We should always be trying to move forward and experience God in whatever ways we can, not just in the ways we're used to." I nodded politely, but in my head I was thinking, "Yeah, because I haven't heard all that before. I'm perfectly content with being a slow-mover, PAUL. I like being the subtle, quiet, contemplative person." Essentially, I was thinking "lay off me".
Then he continued to tell me about his experience with all this, and how he has had a bit of skeptical streak as well. We've talked about it before, so this was no surprise to me, but then he told me about an experience he had with the Holy Spirit that totally threw me off. I'm not at liberty to share it, so I won't, but out of all the people on my team, Paul was the last person (aside from myself) I expected to hear this story come from. It caught me off guard; it made me, for the first time since being on the Race, think that there might be something to all this stuff. Something about hearing it from him had a much more profound impact on me than hearing it from someone who is having/talking about these experiences like they're going out of style. The thing is that he didn't even necessarily want it; it just happened.
He challenged me for this month to stop being okay with being a slow-mover, stop being okay with my unanswered questions, and ask God to do some stuff. He challenged me for the month, while we're here in this beautiful place where I'm already feeling more spiritually fed than I have in years, to ask God to let me experience him in ways that might look a little…different. In Paul's words: "Go hike to the top of that mountain and scream at him if you need to. Tell him that if he can move a mountain, make the mountain move."
And if there's one thing I know I'm good at, it's screaming at God.
So that's that. Do I know exactly what this will look like in practice? Not really, no. All I can say is "we'll see". At the end of this month, God might look a little less like the friend that I sit and have a drink and talk about philosphy with, and a little more like…I don't know, the friend that embarrasses the crap out of me in public. Or perhaps he will look exactly the same to me as he always has; that's not really up to me.
But I'm ready for something new, and I think God's ready for something new from me. So have at it, God. Make that mountain move–whatever that looks like.
You know, if you want to.
-Kelley
P.S. (because I have no idea how else to segue into this): I still need about $3,800 to reach the next support deadline and make it to India in April. Think about it, pray about it, flip a coin, do what you gotta do, but if you feel led to donate (even a small amount) you can do so by clicking the "Support Me!" tab on the lefthand side of my blog.
