A blog about World Race Boundaries for current and future racers and anyone at home who wants to learn boundaries:
Since before I even left for the race, God began teaching me a lot about healthy relationships. Healthy relationships include boundaries that are healthy for both parties involved. They basically tell people what is yours and what is mine. It’s like a fence which shouldn’t be cross without permission.
Every relationship has a different set of emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries based on the depth and type of relationship. God began teaching me how to establish these and set up boundaries, and then he sent me on the World Race. I quickly learned that having healthy boundaries on the World Race is complicated and at times is almost impossible.
At times during my race healthy boundaries didn’t always seem to match Race expectations. When I wanted to create a healthier relationship boundary, I often felt condemned or judged for not “buying/choosing/pressing in”.
I found myself squirming for months living under these norms while still trying to create boundaries. I told people that the boundaries we live within aren’t realistic or healthy. I explained that I can’t control other people but I can set up boundaries, and I can say something when mine are crossed.
So here is what I’ve learned during my journey about having good and healthy boundaries on the World Race (and in real life):
(1) No one is entitled to your story or your trust just because you’re on a team with them. Trust must be earned.
On the race, many teams share full testimonies the first week they are together. This is encouraged because it builds unity.
But relationships don’t work that way. Nor do they have to. When not on the race you build trust with individuals and slowly begin to divulge more and more of who you are, your vulnerabilities , and your story. Brene Brown, author of Daring Greatly calls this the Marble Jar method of building vulnerability and trust.
Trust is something that is earned and given. Just because someone is a teammate doesn’t mean that they are trustworthy. It is important to develop your team relationships through vulnerability and give people the opportunity to earn more and more trust, but it is not something that should be given without discretion. Share what you feel comfortable sharing but don’t share everything immediately.
(2) You don’t have to allow yourself to repeatedly get hurt by others.
On the race you’re assigned a team. You don’t choose who you’re with or when or if your team changes. Unfortunately, people are going to hurt you. It is a part of living with others. So, if you’re living with someone who repeatedly hurts you (and you’ve talked with them about it) you don’t have to continue to put yourself in the position to be hurt again. YOU DO HAVE TO FORGIVE BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO FORGET (or ignore)!
For example: if someone is repeatedly gossiping about things you’ve shared with them, you don’t have to continue sharing personal things with them – even if that means you don’t share with your entire team.
As I said, it is your job to forgive, and you should allow people the opportunity to regain your trust especially as they change their behavior. This allows the relationship to grow rather than die. Boundaries are a way to buy in/choose/ and press into those relationships in a way that calls the other person to change and you to forgiveness and restoration.
(3) YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHARE YOUR “PEANUT BUTTER.”
There is this World Race thing called “sharing peanut butter.” Most World Racers love peanut butter. It’s expensive and hard to find over seas. Many racers want to hoard it and keep it all to themselves. It’s hard to share.
This is a metaphor. Peanut butter represents the hardest thing for people to share.
On the World Race community is sometimes mistaken for communal living. People will sometimes make you feel guilty when you choose not the share. The truth is, you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to. You don’t have to share your possessions, your heart, your space, anything.
I will not share my running shoes because they have formed to my feet, and I don’t let people eat off my plate until I’m finished eating.
These are two small things I will not share (unless absolutely necessary). I shared my running shoes to help a girl not get hurt in our powder puff game. I’ve shared half a plate of food and let others eat off my plate when we ran out of food. These are the small physical objects that I have boundaries on and even if people don’t like it, I say no to letting people cross them.
It is important to establish those boundaries, but it is also important to see the needs of other people. You don’t have to share what’s hardest for you, but it is also important to know when you’re doing it out of selfishness, when you’re doing it out of lack of trust, and to know what you need to share even if it’s hard for you.
(4) NO IS ALWAYS A VALID ANSWER (except when it’s not).
I’m going to preface this one with “except when it’s not” because the world isn’t always safe and chances are you don’t blend in with the locals so if something exisists for safety reasons be wise and say “yes”.
On the race it sometimes becomes impossible to say no to things even when you should. If your ministry host is asking you to do more than you (or your team) is capable of you can tell them no. God asks us to rest. If your host isn’t giving you time, then say no to things.
If people want to borrow your stuff but they never return it, you can say no. If you need time alone but it’s team time (and you can’t get it any other time of the day) you can say no. If you’re heart is not in a place to receive feedback you can say no to receiving it.
But when you say no, make sure you’re doing it to create a boundary and not to run from something (especially with team time and feedback). There are times you should sacrifice but there are times when you can’t. I missed ministry once to rest because I was so worn down I wouldn’t be effective anyway. I told my team that, and they supported me. It’s okay to say and sometimes demand what you need. Be willing to say yes when it’s hard, but also say no when you have to.
(5) SACRIFICE WHAT YOU CAN; but NOT EVERYTHING.
The Bible calls each of us to sacrifice our own desire for other people. We need to be willing to sacrifice and give up what we can for others – both in our community and for nonbelievers. But the truth is there are things we can’t sacrifice.
There is a girl on my squad who gets horribly car sick. Asking her to sit in the back or not by a window is not a fair thing for her to give up. She will more than likely get car sick and throw up. If she’s at the front by a window she might just feel sick the whole ride. She shouldn’t have to sacrifice her seat on the bus because it’s a NEED for her.
Each of us has things we NEED and things we really WANT. Sometimes they’re the same as others, and sometimes they’re different. We must be willing to sacrifice wants, but we don’t have to sacrifice needs. It is important to know the difference. In community you give up what you want, and others give up what they want for the needs of you and the whole group.
The key to establishing healthy boundaries on the race is this: IF IT’S HEALTHY AT HOME, IT’S HEALTHY ON THE WORLD RACE.
I hope this is your biggest take away of this whole post. The World Race is preparing you for the real world. Though the World Race is the real life, it is like no other circumstance you’ll ever find yourself in again.
So here is the key to having healthy boundaries, if it’s healthy at home it’s healthy on the race. You can put up boundaries even though they may seem taboo on the World Race, but your health and your ability to establish healthy relationships at home is far more important than following a norm or fitting in.
