When I look at the things I value they tend to be the following (not in any specific order): God, Family & Pets, Friends, Services, and Personal Growth. That one always hits me kind of funny. I am not a person content with mediocrity; I want excellence. I believe that there is no such thing as “good enough” or “well enough”. I believe this especially when it comes to character. There is so much for me to do to better myself and this is a life long process. What I find most interesting is that I value personal growth above many other things and yet I absolutely repel personal change. I am absolutely terrified of it.
These things are new developments in my life. They started when I accepted Christ less than three years ago. Here’s the thing about beginning a relationship with Christ. It changes you; immediately. In the last two or so years I have changed so much that people who knew me through it regularly point it out, that people who knew me then but not now wouldn’t recognize it, and that I know longer know what to expect from myself. And not knowing what to expect from yourself is terrifying – it’s like I’m a stranger to myself. So even though I like who I am now so much better, I don’t want to be the person. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place – I want desperately to continue to grow, but I want fiercely to remain the same.
But here I am. I’m a Christ follower with the Holy Spirit in me (and he can be a nag sometimes). Knowing exactly what God is calling me to do next and I’m not willing to do it. In fact, I am literally paralyzed by fear. I have been frozen for almost six months now – maybe more. Every time I open the Bible there is that mirror revealing the same thing to me. Every study my small group does leads me to the same place. Every sermon preached at church or that I listen to on my own somehow guides me to the same conclusion. Every lesson I prepare and teach to the K-5th graders at church once again there it is. I know exactly what area of my life God is calling me to work on; I even know why He wants me to work on this area of my life.
But here I am. Wanting to change, but not willing to do. Needing to change, but not ready to do it. So, I decided to quit. (normally I wouldn’t condone quitting, but it’s okay in this case). I am done running, avoiding, and not trying. I’m still not willing and I’m definitely not ready, but it is taking way to much energy to run away. I surrender. It’s like doing chores – I never really want to, but it’s the right thing to do so I’m doing it. I know this isn’t the right attitude to have, but I’m hoping that through this process God changes my attitude and my heart (actually, I know He will).
I’m sharing this with you because I believe we’ve all been there. Unwilling and not ready, but we need to do it anyway. I’m also sharing this with you because I need perseverance and a change or heart, so please pray for these things in my life.
I guess if I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place; it will be easier to shed my skin. I’m not willing; I’m not ready. But I’m doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.
