So before I start this blog I want to tell you a little bit about me that will help you understand more later.
1) I can be a bit European in my relationships. I don’t have many friends – I have lots of class mates, acquaintances, team mates, ect. I am also not a very open person.
2) I have trust issues. I mean – TRUST ISSUES! This is really not a secret to most people who know you.
3) I’m an introvert. For all those extroverted people out there, this does not mean that I don’t like people, that I’m stuck up, or that I’m mean. This means that I get refueled by being alone and that I process thinks internally and not externally.
This things are all very important and will makes sense late.
So this week I kind of had a break down. Let me explain. I wanted to get out of the house, so I drove my dog to the park – or that was the plan. And I ended up driving around for 2 hrs and got myself so worked up I started crying. Or balling. I was hysterical.
Eventually, (AND I MEAN 45 minutes later) I called the only person I thought my actually answer their phone who wasn’t in another state or gonna lecture me. The thing is (1) I wouldn’t have considered this person a friend until they showed up to talk (though I remember a lot more standing than talking) and (2) I don’t let people in, so I’d never actually talked to someone when I was feeling not good (3) It’s not normal for me to talk about my struggles until I’ve processed them. In other words, this situation was really, really, weird and uncomfortable for me on so many different levels. But it made me realize a whole bunch of things.
The first thing I realized is that it is actually really nice to let people love you when you need them to. My mind was literally blown when I drove away literally telling my dog that I was amazed they showed up and that I was shocked at how awesome it was to not feel alone in crisis. In other words, realized that not letting people in is hurting me and not them. And that I need people.
The second thing I realized (and probably more importantly) is that I push God out in crisis just like I do with people. You see, when I told the person what was going on they told me about a similar situation and how their response was to go to God; pray, read the Bible, ect. Well, I wasn’t doing that! And in that moment I realized I didn’t want to share this with God anymore than I did with the people in my life.
So in other words, I don’t just not trust and rely on people, I also don’t trust and rely on God when I need him. I might be the only person on the planet earth who is more likely to go to God when everything is Kosher than when everything is in crisis.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation where I learned so much. I learned a lot about myself and it made me realize two very, very important things. The first is that I need REAL relationships that are more than surface level. The second thing is that I am not ready to go on the World Race (which is probably why God said wait). I need to improve in two areas of my life before I go and so today marks my pre-World Race journey. I need to learn to trust people and God and I need to learn to be in relationship (healthy meaningful relationship) with people.
To the person who met me in the parking lot and was there for me, I really really am grateful. It means a lot to have people in my life who care about me; thanks so much for showing me this and teaching me something.
