Recently, I’ve learned that we romanticize a lot of things in our world. We long for the time we will finish high school and get to go to college, or we long for the time when we get married and get to start a family. Those are just a few examples, but I have seen many situations where the idea of season or life event is made to seem more wonderful and exciting than the current season. In high school, I longed for college. And when I got there, I loved it. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t without challenges. The task of staying present isn’t an easy one for most people, as what is ahead, what hasn’t be experienced yet, what is exciting and new, simply appears to be more amazing than the present season you are living.
People on the Race are cautioned against romanticizing home. There are many reasons we each chose to go on this journey, and sometimes when you’re gone, it’s harder to see the things that were difficult at home. While that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it can cause you to miss the idea of something more than your purpose in it. One thing I cannot romanticize is my family. They are simply as amazing as possible. Now don’t get me wrong, we have our issues like all families, but my family is pretty spectacular.
My mom is funny, genuine, hard-working, kind, and supportive. If I had to choose one person in the world to spend time with, I would easily and quickly choose her (with my sister being a close second, love you Petey). I love her desire to experience things that I love with me. I love how she loves to provide and care for those in her life. My dad is calm, strong, genuine, smart, and steady. He is always there to take care of my sister and I, and he loves us all dearly. Seeing him with my niece and nephew makes me excited for them to have him as their grandfather. He is a good man, willing to do things that get him no recognition in this world.
Then there is the most beautiful person I know, my sister. She is my rock and my best friend. She is the mother of the two babies I love most in this world, and she shares them with me with no hint of annoyance. She is literally the funniest person I know, and she makes the world a better place. She will do anything to help out underprivileged kids and has a work ethic like I’ve never seen. She makes the world a better place and me a better person.
I could write another 10 paragraphs about my niece and her sweet demeanor or her giggles or I could write about my nephew and his sweet baby grin or his snugly heart, but I think you get the point. They are pretty amazing. So having been away from all of them for almost 2 months now hasn’t been easy. I am not romanticizing my family, because they are just that great.
With that greatness and the love they have for me, I have struggled frequently (both here on the Race and while at home) with anxiety about their safety. I somehow convinced myself that being at home meant I could protect them, and leaving for the Race meant that I could no longer do that. Several times, I was overcome by the lies of fear that my being gone meant that something was more likely to happen to them. These lies can easily distract you from serving wholeheartedly, and they can even cause you to miss out on amazing things from the Father.
I have released those lies, and I know that they are under the Father’s protection. I know that something may happen to them, and while it may hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt, God will still be faithful in this. That sounds great to believe, but it wasn’t an easy path to get there.
This past week, I was really working through trusting God. One day, I walked into ministry extremely grumpy. My bracelet that my sister gave me was gone. The three hearts regularly remind me of how much they love me and to pray for them, and it was gone. All of those lies that come with my fear came flooding back in. I know the bracelet was just a symbol, but it was my symbol of our love. We don’t get to take a ton of stuff with us on the Race, and I would’ve gladly sacrificed a ton of gear to keep this tiny bracelet.
But it was gone. So I walked in to the prayer room feeling very sad. I started praying for my team out doing bar ministry, and I started writing in my journal. I decided I would write truths about God instead of focusing on the lies of fear. I wrote, “You are eternal. You are all powerful. You are full of compassion and love. You are actively seeking us. You don’t give up on us. You possess all wisdom. You are holy.” I felt a tug to flip back through my journal and read some of my entries I’ve written since I’ve been on the race. I read page after page and was reminded of God’s provision and all of the lessons He has taught me in the past 7 weeks. I wiped tears of thankfulness from my eyes, and I knew that my bracelet was gone but His love wasn’t. His love for me and for my family wasn’t gone. The symbol might’ve been lost, but it didn’t change our love.
Later, a teammate reminded me of an image God had showed her during prayer. I was in a yellow bubble far from my family who was in a yellow bubble. While we were separate, we were still united and protected. I trust my family to God, and I trust my life to Him. It won’t always make sense, but I know that this is the only way. That day, I left the prayer room full of Him and His love. I walked back to my room, knowing that if I never saw my bracelet again, that I would be ok.
But you know how great our God is? My bracelet was on the side of my bed, tucked between the mattress and the edge. I am not sure how I even saw it, and I have no idea how it got off my arm. The clasp is super tiny, so tiny that I can’t even put it on or take it off without someone else doing it for me. The bracelet wasn’t broken, so I can only believe that there was a greater purpose for it coming off my arm. Yes God, I learned my lesson. Yes God, I trust you. Yes God, I will love you always. Thanks for giving me back my bracelet, but thanks for teaching me that You are so much greater than my fear.
Now when I see it on my arm, it is still a symbol of how much my family loves me and to pray for them, but I also see a beautiful lesson of trust and how God is still for me.
“because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.” 1 John 4:4b
