I cannot believe it has been 5 months since I started this wild adventure. I have traveled through the villages of India, praying over people, and teaching them about the love of Jesus. I have hiked through the mountains of Nepal doing prayer walks, praying over the people and land. I have taught English to the least of these in the city in Vietnam. I did a little bit of everything in the villages of Cambodia, and now I am in the beautiful country of Thailand where I have seen 8 new brothers come to know Jesus as their Lord and savior, where I have taught English in Buddhist schools, where I have swam in the ocean with elephants, hiked to waterfalls, and watched fire shows on the beach.
In listing off just a few of the things I have done in the last 5 months, it makes me wonder, in the midst of all the incredible things I have been doing, how on earth it is possible for me to be as homesick as I am.
That’s right. I said it. I’m homesick. (I swore to my parents and myself, that those words would never come out of my mouth.)
It has taken a lot of setting my pride aside to even think about writing this blog.
As I said in my previous blog, Cambodia was a really difficult month. It was hot, and uncomfortable, and I got to a point where I started just feeling negatively and I didn’t know why. I quickly started to realize that I was really missing home. We ended up having the Awakening at the end of our time in Cambodia, and that really helped to get my mind off of it. But once we got to Thailand, I was SURROUNDED by beauty and amazing people, but I couldn’t stop feeling like my heart was missing something.
A lot of things have changed. We had team changes, we’re in a new country, and I think at the beginning of the month I was just overwhelmed by the unfamiliar things around me.
I didn’t realize how much I take my home, my friends and family, and my country for granted. And maybe that’s not the right word. Maybe I just haven’t appreciated them the way that I should. My family, I am realizing every day, is my world. And it’s hard not being able to go on adventures with my dad, or be able to run to my mom for literally anything, or just sit with my brother and laugh for hours.
Abandonment is hard.
I finally opened up about how I was feeling with my new team a couple days into being here. The Lord has blessed me with some of the most wonderful people on this new team, and I could not be more grateful. I was really in my head the first day of ministry, and one of my teammates noticed, and asked if I was okay. In that moment I was fighting my emotions in my head, and holding back an ocean of tears that wanted to flood out. In my heart I was screaming “no, I’m actually not okay at all.” And my heart wanted to let it out and simply talk about it. But my head (and pride) told me the complete opposite. Something more along the lines of, “don’t be weak. At least act like you have it all together. Buck up and get over it.” Stupidly, I listened to my head. But my heart was so grateful that already, my teammate was taking steps in support and love.
During our months we are supposed to have accountability partners within our teams to share things with, and talk things out with before we share with the rest of the team. We had made time to meet up with them, and the Lord encouraged me to speak out about how I was feeling. He reminded me about how much the enemy loves when we hold things in.
So that day I cried more than I’ve cried in a long time, and explained exactly how I was feeling. It was so good for me to just let it all out. They were so supportive and shared “me too’s” with me, which is so powerful and meant a lot. They ended that time by praying over me, and that was so good for my heart. That night, I shared with my whole team how I was feeling, and since then they have prayed for me, and really supported me in it all. It’s been so great to just be surrounded by people that love me, even if I haven’t known them well for that long. This community of women is incredible.
My best friend just got engaged a couple weeks ago, and it has truly been killing me not being home. Even thinking about it and typing it out now tears are welling in my eyes. I was able to talk to her this morning and just discuss things and she has reassured me that the majority of the things that will go into planning will wait until I am home. Her reassurance did help me a lot. But my heart still just hates not being home to share something that we have been waiting for and talking about since we were 7 years old with her.
My dad has just been killing it in his business, and they have remodeled and added new lines of furniture into the store, and I just miss being able to see it and be a part of it in some way.
Life moves on without you whether you believe it or not. It doesn’t wait around for you when you decide to leave and travel the world for 11 months, even if it is all for the glory of God.
My uncle is really sick, and we’re struggling to understand why. And although there is literally NOTHING I could do being back home, there is this part of me that feels like I could do something if I were home.
I miss my grandparents a lot and wish I could go watch Christmas movies with my Grandma and Grandpa Porter, or play Mexican Train or go out to dinner with Grandma Knie.
FOMO is real. (Fear Of Missing Out)
The Lord is teaching me that I have no control over the things going on back home. And all I can do, is stay present exactly where I am, be constant in prayer, and put all my trust in what He is doing here with me, and at home for those that I love.
They say that month 5 of the Race is most commonly the month people start to feel the sting of homesickness. And although mine started at the end of month 4, I am not going to allow myself to feel ashamed or less than because I feel this way. Instead I am determined to stay open and vulnerable with the people surrounding me, and to stay constant in prayer. But one thing I do know, is that the Lord is teaching me so much about what this whole year is all about. He is also teaching me about how blessed I am to have been born and raised in America, and how much I love my country. My perspective on everything I thought I once wanted, or the negative thoughts I had about America have completely changed. The Lord is opening my eyes to so much. And I’m beyond grateful for that.
We always say that time on the Race is like this: long days, but fast months. I’m looking at it with a very positive mind. My time here on the Race right now is so precious. I will never get this time back, and staying present is extremely important. I never want to look back when I get home and wish I would have done things differently, or that I wouldn’t have wished my time away.
I only have 6 more months left! In hind sight, that is not long at all. It seems that as I get older, the years fly by faster than they ever have. Time on the Race is absolutely crazy.
Sorry if this is all over the place. I feel like I just externally processed on this blog, but it was needed. It was also a way for me to be vulnerable with all of you. You guys are such a blessing to me, and I wanted to give you the real side of how I’m feeling.
It’s not always pretty. But I know this year is SO worth being here for.
Before we know it we will be in ALBANIA! I have already had contact with my host and it sounds like where we are going is going to be AMAZING! AND, we are literally 3 1/2 hours from GREECE!!!! So many things to look forward to. We travel back to Bangkok on the 30th, and have a leadership training until the 1st. Then the morning of the 2nd we are off to Albania! We also have a 15 hour layover in ROME! I’m so excited to see that beautiful city again, even if it is in the evening and only for a little while. The Lord is so good to us.
We have been in Asia for 5 months! Next stop EASTERN EUROPE!
Asia–>Eastern Europe–>Africa!
I love you guys so much!
Much more to come!
Peace and love,
Keeley
