If your reading this or following my blog, just prepare your self for a lot of misspelled words and improper grammar, not my strong suite by any means. First off let me start by saying these first few days here in Costa Rica have been amazing. Our team feels like a family, our host June may be the sweetest and most hospitable woman I have ever meet and has just freely opened her home to us as if it were our own. We’ve gotten the chance to serve a family that she calls her “Tica family”, or her costa rican family. We painted, fixed walls, as well as cleaned their house. She had been ministering to their family and asked us to do the same through spending time with them, inviting them to church, and just showing Gods love through how we interact with each other and them. We are all really looking forward to building those relationships and spending time with them throughout the rest of the month. We have also gotten the chance to work at the prison, as well as paint at a church we’ve been attending. We have a lot planned for the next few weeks but thats kind of what we’ve been up to until now.
On a personal note the transition has been fairly easy, I’ve loved my time here so far. The people are so nice and the country is beautiful. Gods already been pulling on my heart in a lot of ways, which has been both tough and very rewarding. To be honest, the one thing that has continually come to mind is the word fear. Its been a constant question, and had a very real presence surrounding this trip. Whether its been through personal questions and experiences or visually evident through other teammates, and family. It makes sense, fear can be a healthy thing and it’s hard not to worry about yourself or a loved one traveling the world for a year, especially with all that’s been going on around the globe. I mean, if i had a nickel for every time I have been asked if I was afraid of getting some disease, or getting attacked by ISIS, I probably could have just hired a personal body guard/doctor for the year by now. But the answer has been and still absolutely remains, no. Everyone has different fears in life that’s for certain, but to me, it seems foolish to worry about what may never be. I refuse to let an idea and fear of what might be affect my actions on what I know should be. Fear is healthy in the sense that it makes you aware, it makes you think, and it makes you present in the well being of yourself and others, but when the fear of preserving one’s comfort and health trumps the calling thats been placed on your life, then fear itself becomes far more crippling than the thing your were fearful of in the first place.
Now I’m not crazy, I definitely have fears about this trip, but my fear looks quite different then the fears of my family and friends. One of my favorite quotes is “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others around you may not feel insecure. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in each and every one of us. And as we let our light shine, we allow others to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” See, I don’t fear that I’m going to fail or that God’s not going to use me to do great things this next year. I know His power and His presence when you do His work and I believe He will use me and this team in ways we can’t fathom. But something I’ve continued to struggled with, up until a few days ago really, is that fear that presents itself in that light. My fear is in manifesting the glory of God that’s within all of us. You probably think, “Well that doesn’t make any sense, that’s the whole reason you signed up for this trip”, and you’re right… it doesn’t. But Satan has been putting so much doubt and fear in my life about that light. Because in the light, everything in the dark becomes visible to others and yourself.
For me I’ve struggled with the thought of how broken of a person I’ve been, and I know that I put off the image that I’m not. I know that I have been sinful, selfish, and not kingdom minded in so many instances this past year. These are things I have yet to conquer, and my fear and doubt lies in these areas. Who am I to be called for this opportunity? I’m not worthy. There are so many other options, so many more spiritually mature and sound people, so why me? Why someone who has proven to have so many flaws and crutches over this past year, someone that has failed time and time again? Why on earth would He call someone like that to manifest His glory, to spread the Gospel, to lead others to know His name, to stand in that light when He knows that it will show so much weakness and flaws in who I am? This is a struggle I’ve been dealing with for a while and, up until sitting in church this past Saturday night, haven’t really dealt with or conquered.
So sitting in this Costa Rican mega church where I don’t speak the language or understand a single word that’s being said, I prayed God would show me something in this. Despite the language barrier, despite having no clue what’s going on, I asked that He would use this in some way to move in my heart. As I sat there trying to follow along, the pastor asked us to open to somewhere in 2 Corinthians. So I opened up to 2 Corinthians, not to the right verse or chapter, just to the book and as I looked down I saw 2 Corinthians 12:9 which says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” And just like that, my fear left. Such simple words totally conquered all the fears I had been having for months. The first thing that came to mind is who I am in this life doesn’t not define who I am to Christ, but instead, who I am to Christ is the only thing that defines who I am in this life.
Going through all these thoughts and processing through this, God just really reminded me that throughout scripture He uses the most sinful, the prostitute, the murders, and those who persecuted Him the most to do His work, so why on earth can’t He use me? See, God doesn’t call you to be perfect, because you can’t be. He simply calls you to to be willing, whatever that may look like in your life. He calls us to place our weakness and burdens down at His feet because He wants to make us whole in those imperfections. And he doesn’t say, “come to me when you have your stuff together”, He says “Come to me as you are.” Time and time again throughout my life, God has shown me that in the hardest times and in my weakest times, He makes beauty flow through brokenness. I am broken and that’s okay because I don’t have to fix myself. If i did, I would spend a lifetime attempting to mend and patch never ending holes in my life. Instead, I’ve come to fully rest in the truth that we are all inherently broken beings. That will always be true, but that doesn’t mean God can’t and wont use us in extraordinary ways. I know where I am weak, He makes me strong, and where I am broken He puts me back together.
Thats just something Satan has been using to give me doubt and fear about this year for a long time and just like that, in the first 3 days here, God totally shattered that fear. Now, I have an overwhelming peace about who I am to him. Instead of being worried or anxious about the leadership role I’ve been placed in, I’m so so extremely excited to serve my team, to be transparent and to fully step into the light that God has in store, whatever that may be.
So yeah, that’s just a little bit of what I’ve been going through and how God’s already been using this place to work in my life. I really can’t thank everyone enough for the prayers and support I’ve received from so many of you. I look forward to sharing this journey and this year with you as best I can through stories and pictures. Just please continually be praying for my team and host as we do life together through out this month. If you feel called to partner with me financially by supporting my trip, you can click on the “Donate” section at the top of my page. Thanks for managing to read all this, God Bless.
