I was trying to be led into a topic for a blog, but I have so much going on in my mind that I could write 15 blogs this week. This summer I am going through lots of changes, like anyone would as they transition out of college. I don't have the luxury of falling into a full time job where I have security of what my day looks like. I am working part time with individuals with IDD and I tend to work in the afternoon-evening. Lately I have been working more; for instance, yesterday I was out of my house doing work stuff for about 12 hours. Everyday is completely different and I am trying to get used to it.
As of right now the crazy work schedule isn't that bad since I have my apartment to come home to. It is comfort knowing you have "your space" to go back to. After this weekend my lease is up, and to go back home is a far commute for work so I am going to be a couch nomad. I don't know where I will be staying yet or what friends are in this area next week. The whole summer I am going to be living out of my car. I guess it is a bigger space than what I will be living out of next year. I am kind of nervous about doing this though.
I am one of those people who don't like to inconvenience others and staying at a persons house a night or two every week makes me feel like I am burdening them. I am trying to look at it as that person wanting to help me, as a gift and as God preparing me to not have a space to really call my own when I am on the trip. This nervousness is just the fear before the adventure. I am losing a comfort and it is scary.
I have been going out of my comfort a lot. Raising the funds for the trip is WAY out of my comfort zone. No one likes to have to raise money, it is a societal no no. I feel that many things in my life that were sturdy are beginning to come loose from my grips. God is asking for them, he is asking for my trust. Why is it so hard to put all your trust into God? He created me, he created everything, he is the provider, the giver of every breath I breathe; however, I don't trust that he will give me a place to sleep (even if it is on a bench) or provide the support and partnership for the trip. I desperately want this to change.
I want to become so dependent on God that it is crazy to think that he wouldn't provide something I need.
I have been reading a prayer in John for days now (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=JOhn%2017&version=NIV.) It is blowing me away how Jesus prayed for himself, his disciples, and non-believers. In everything he wanted to bring glory to God! And everything he saw as a gift. We are gifts to Jesus, we belong to God and God gives us to his Son (but we also have to choose to receive the gift of Jesus)! Sounds confusing, but it really isn't after you wrestle with it.
Nothing on earth belongs to me, everything belongs to God. It is comforting to know that God can and will provide. That he will give me what I need, and that every person, meal, breath, place to sleep, tank of gas, pay check, etc. is a gift from God. We don't deserve any of it, but he chooses to give to us anyways!! Now that is a great, loving, generous God.
My Poppa God never ceases to amaze me!
