I’ve been fearful for as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest childhood memories are tied to things I remember being afraid of.
You know, the usual stuff. The dark, that movie Ella Enchanted, dachshunds and other small dogs.
When I started college that fear blossomed into full blown, medically recognized, and treated, anxiety.
In the months leading up to seeing my doctor about my anxiety for the first time, I was an absolute mess.
I was throwing hammer and discus for my university’s track team at the time. It became a rarity for me to make it through a practice without crying or yelling. Everyone’s anxiety is different, but mine often manifests as extreme irritability and anger. And ya girl is an angry crier holla.
I agonized over my schoolwork and deadlines so much that on more nights than one I could be found on my bedroom floor in the midst of a panic attack, weeping over my planner and to do lists.
My thoughts ran wild constantly. Once while driving on the interstate, my phone vibrated with a text alert. It immediately sent my mind reeling into thoughts like “What would happen to my mom if I died on the interstate because I was texting and driving?” I hadn’t even touched the phone.
I felt like I was legitimately losing my mind. I couldn’t understand why my mind was working against me or why my trademark laid back, happy go lucky demeanor was nowhere to be found. I felt really, really alone in the battle. I didn’t know anyone else who had ever dealt with anything like the feelings I was feeling.
One of the best parts about my preparation for the Race has been the time I’ve spent making sure I’m the healthiest version of myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to say “I no longer struggle with anxiety.” My counselor would say that for me, it’s partially biological. It kind of runs in my family. There’s something in my brain that just doesn’t handle serotonin quite right or produce quite enough.
But over the past nine months, with the help of Jesus, my counselor, a few bawling on the kitchen floor moments, and many books and podcasts, I’ve been able to identify some main triggers of my anxiety, learn to control my thoughts, increase my overall mindfulness, and stop taking my anxiety medication. Man, God is so good.
But, those anxious tendencies still sit in the back of my mind. Lurking and waiting for a chance to pounce.
Unfortunately, sometimes I let them. And those are not fun days.
Our squad is a little under two months from Training Camp and about three and a half from Launch. The closer we get, the more things I can think of that scare me about this whole thing. Some hurt my heart to even think about. Many are trivial. But they’re all real.
For your entertainment, a few of those things include:
My friends forgetting about me.
Not feeling loved on my birthday.
Packing too much stuff.
Feeling like I’m not helping anyone.
Eating too many carbs.
Not getting to workout as much as I’d like to.
Not getting the alone time that my introverted soul desperately needs.
Not being enough.
Being too much.
My teammates not liking me.
Not getting to talk to my mom very often.
Family members passing away while I’m gone.
Not getting good sleep and being a grouchy hooligan for eleven months.
But, God. What a good comforter He is. He’s been teaching me that for every fear I have there’s already an empty grave proclaiming victory.
Jesus died so that someday I can spend eternity with Him. But He also died so that I can be in relationship with Him here and now, living an abundant life. A life full of hope, overflowing with freedom, and brimming with peace and joy.
We’ve each been given one wild and free life and it feels like a shame to let fear stand in the way of doing the things that truly matter. The things that make life worth living. The things that make us feel more alive. The things with eternal impact.
I don’t know what the Lord has planned for our squad in the field. If I had to guess based on Jesus’ track record, I’d say it’s going to be wildly different and better than whatever my mind could cook up.
What I do know is that the work He is planning to do in and through us around the world is far more important and far more powerful than the pangs of fear and doubt we feel in the preparation process or once entering the field.
Yeah, coming up on three months until launch there are a lot of fears looming overhead. But I’d say for every fear, there are at least three things worth being excited about.
Scared feels like an understatement some days. But most days, so does “exhilarated” and “overjoyed” and “stoked” and “so dang ready to get this show on the road.”
As always, I want to invite you on this World Race journey with me. Here are a few ways to do that!
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The most important, pray. Right now, I’d love join me in praying that the Lord would increase our fundraising to 80% funded by May 1. I am currently 64% funded. It sounds like a crazy goal, but Jesus always shows up in the crazy.
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Subscribe. If you want to subscribe to my blog and stay up to date on what God is doing in my life and in this journey, click the orange “Subscribe for Updates” in the top left-hand corner.
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Share. If my blog has touched you in any way tell a friend by clicking the “Share with” links to share this on social media. Also sharing the link to this shirt fundraiser would be enormous help as well. 🙂
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Adopt a box. Right now I am doing a gift card raffle to fundraise and would love to enter your name! You can find more details at https://bit.ly/2Kz1wtF.
