God loves me, but…
What is it like when God loves you, but you don’t even like yourself?
If you read my last blog post, you know that I have a hard time opening up and being vulnerable.
I think it’s partially because most of the time, I don’t like myself. I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror, and I don’t like my personality, and I don’t like this and I don’t like that…
And I don’t want people to see and not like the things that I don’t even like about myself.
I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression when I was 14 years old. This isn’t something I like to admit to people, and something that I hid from my peers when I was in school. I get sucked into this really, really low place and I say all of these awful, negative things to and about myself.
I get so frustrated with myself because I have a wonderful life full of so many blessings.
But the enemy loves to remind me that I am worthless. That my friends would be fine without me. That my loved ones are there only because they feel obligated. That I’m just a burden on any and all around me. That no matter how hard I try, I will never, ever be good enough.
These thoughts encompass my entire being, and they are constant. My hands go numb, my thoughts blur together, and everything around me comes together in a big jumble of everything and nothingness all at once.
I feel hurt, I feel broken, I feel worthless. I feel like I will never amount to all that God has called me to be. And I have such a hard time trying to get out of this almost dream-like state full of lies and hurt.
I keep trying to climb my way out of this dark hole I’ve sunken down into, and I keep fighting and kicking and screaming and then…
I hit rock bottom, and I’m laying there staring and wondering how in the world I got here.
God lets me hit rock bottom, because sometimes I need a big reminder that He is my Rock.
All of these battles I’ve been facing, all of the days and nights I cry because I don’t feel like I’m good enough… All of these battles that I lose, I lose because I’m trying to face them alone.
When I give it all to God, however, He is victorious. My struggles, my depression, my anxiety, my fears, and those negative thoughts of myself. HE IS VICTORIOUS over them all.
Fun story:
Several months ago, I was having a particularly hard battle where I just couldn’t seem to even put up a decent fight. I prayed and begged and asked God to show me that it was going to be okay… Then I flipped open my bible and God led me to Isaiah 55:8, “for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the Lord.”
It was a wonderful reminder from God that no matter how badly I think of myself, His thoughts are not my thoughts.
I still struggle. There are still days where I find myself staring up from rock bottom wondering how I got here and why I let this happen again, days where I really just don’t like myself…
…but God still loves me.
-KT
