Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women.
Song of Songs 2:2
General Preface
From the beginning of the Race, as you probably already know, the two things that the Lord has been trying to teach me the most is what it’s like to be a Bride and breaking down my core lie of that “I am not desirable in thoughts, emotions, or body”. God has really taken me through a lot of this during the Race and now I can say with confidence, I believe that I am desired by people. I have been assured of this by my teammates and the fact that when the Lord speaks it’s not His opinion but it’s truth.
So like an onion with layers, he pulled back those initial layers, which I really accepted as just the whole onion. But since debrief He began poking and prodding at my deepest hurt, the thing I least want to talk about, and the pain that I avoid at all cost:
That I believe no man could ever physically be attracted to me.
As a daughter I’ve heard my mom call me beautiful. In fact even in the beginning of this ride I never doubted my mom’s desire for me; thoughts, emotions, and believing me to be physically beautiful. At the beginning of this ride, she is the only person that I confidently could have said that about. Probably because she spoke my love language of “words of affirmation” so well!
As women we have many other women and women family members who fight to assure us of our beauty and desirability. But it’s not enough. I need someone else to restore the truth to me.
Moment of Vulnerability
Until the past month I’ve never been able to speak about the root of all of this. It’s true, the core lies and fears we carry we can usually trace back to childhood and something that someone has said or done that we believed defined our identity.
For me, since a young age, I’ve never had male figures really affirm me in external beauty. Because words mean so much to me, a lack of them equals unloved, and negative words mean despised.
The Root of a Lie
It was middle school when I first began to believe I would never be desirable to a man because my body is not desirable. Two in particular situations are very vivid in memory.
The first was in 6th grade I was playing around with one of my guy friends in class, we were rough housing a little bit, he grabbed me by the arm and had pulled me sliding me across the floor. Another boy in the class then made the comment “Dang, I’m surprised you can pull that.”
The second memory also was in middle school with a boy I liked. Somehow we ended up being boyfriend and girlfriend… for a whole day. He, his friend, and I sat in our typing class together the next day and I had wrote a note to him (they were sitting beside me). I asked him why he “broke up” with me. He or his friend had wrote something down on this paper, laughed, and then scribbled it out. I don’t remember what was written after the scribble. But I remember being able to read what was written under the pen marks of scribble, “You’re fat”.
What’s the Truth in this Situation
1. These boys were not seeking the Lord at this point in their life.
2. I was not in a really strong relationship with the Lord at this time
Where was God?
God was not far from me, I just was not aware of his constant presence at this point in my life. He was not to blame. And because of this, I never struggled believing that the Lord Himself meant it when He said He thought I was “beautiful”, “perfect”, “beloved”, “Lily among thorns”, etc.
This has been a little bit of a journey for me, and through trying to figure out how to reason with the fact that I believe what God says about me, but I don’t trust that other people think the same, I’ve learned a lot… especially recently.
Realizations and Lessons
1. It’s not a matter of God said – He said. It’s not a matter of God’s opinion vs. Man’s opinion. Opinion has nothing to do with it. The Lord does not speak opinion but truth. So whether men see it or not doesn’t really matter, it’s their lack of vision, because my Father speaks truth.
2. The Lord led me to the story of when through Samuel, God chose David as King. The ideal King, according to one of the men with Samuel, was one of David’s older brothers. Samuel said “[No, man looks on the outside but God looks on the heart]”.
God also lead me to a few other passages about Jesus’s life as well. What God told me in that moment was even when Jesus came as a man of truth, people didn’t believe who He said He was either. But those who do not see the truth… are not seeking The Truth.
3. You can not separate someone’s internal beauty from their external beauty because they are a human. A human is whole. They are not an internal person and an external person, they are one whole unit. If God sees me as perfect and beautiful, and God lives inside believers. Then men who belong to the Kingdom also have the power to see me as beautiful (not that it takes that much power). To deny that a man could find me all together lovely would be to deny that God sees me that way (Wisdom of Kris Christophel).
4. I have attempted to compensate for my lack of external desirability with intelligence, sacrifice, nurturing, and talent hoping that at least one of those things might be appealing to someone.
In fact, I have acted as a mistress using sacrifice not only to God, but to humans, especially men. I have put myself at their disposal before they even say they are mine. Hoping that a nurturing, or intelligent, or caring Spirit would be enough to grab their attention. I will not be giving myself away so easily anymore.
Even in talking with my dear friend Anna the other day, she pointed out how I’m such a pursuer and she wants to see a man come to me and pursue me verses the other way around. Now I can say, I’m worthy of pursuit, and that’s what I deserve.
5. My entire life I had never had a healthy workout schedule or eating schedule for a good reason. It was always to lose weight and become more desirable.
6. The biggest thing, and the most freeing thing that has broke the final chains… I’ve apologized to God, but I need to also apologize to all men. Something I have believed and didn’t even realize it until talking with Jezie the other day.
I’m sorry to every man for believing that you are nothing but carnal flesh,
and I’m sorry Holy Spirit for not believing that You have the power to overcome fleshly state.
Conclusion
Even just a week ago, I would never have been able to talk about this topic. Let alone talk about it so publicly. Maybe it’s because it’s easier for me to write, but I can even write about this easily now because I believe that the Lord has excavated the lies deep in my mind and heart and has replaced them with His truth. He’s the only one who can do such things!
