In the last few months the Lord has brought things up from my past that I have never dealt with or even knew existed, which has allowed me to start walking in freedom. The Lord is revealing how He sees me and who I truly am.
The Lord has placed it on my heart to share with you my full story. Not just the parts that I want to share but the hard parts as well.
I was saved when I was seven years old. I remember being so excited to ask Jesus into my heart and going to talk with my pastor. After that there was never a huge change that took place in my life. I was little and a good kid. I was raised with good morals and values. I grew up in a Christian home and I am so grateful for the childhood I had. Going to church was never a question, it was something that we always did, and I loved it. We were there any time the church doors were open and at most church functions.
When I was in Middle School things took a slight shift when my mom started working at the church.
In my mind this made me a staff kid which internally changed how I thought others perceived me and how I should act. I thought that I couldn’t express how I was truly feeling if I was struggling or hurting. I felt like I had to keep myself together and serve at all of the events. I began to question if I truly knew the Lord or if that was a decision my parents made for me and I just followed because that was all that I knew. I was wrestling internally and breaking but didn’t know who to turn to or where to even begin.
I specifically remember sitting in a youth service one night and at the end of the service being asked “do you know where you will go tonight if you die?” I remember thinking “yes, I think so” but was still battling whether that was because it was my decision or I just did that because it was what I was supposed to do. I wouldn’t say anything or ask questions, out of fear of being rejected. Life went on in the same manner for years and telling myself things were going to be alright. This led me to believe the lie that I was ok, even though if I was honest with myself I didn’t truly know.
The Lord was still working in my life during this time and molding me. I could see Him at work and knew who He was. I loved serving and being at church. I knew who God was and that He had a plan but doubt still crept in from time to time. I just continued on with life and going through the motions of attempting to read the bible and going to church. My relationship with the Lord boiled down to just knowing who He was but not walking intimately with Him, hearing from Him, or believing it in my heart.
There came a point after I finished my year at the shelter that I honestly didn’t know where the Lord wanted me to go in the next season. I was seeking Him fully and was willing to go where He wanted me. I prayed into that next season and wanted to do His will. The weight of not knowing what my next step was or where my faith really stood and being alone day in and day out began to affect me. I began to enter into a season of depression. This lead to everything I had bottled up for so long which came pouring back out. All the doubts that I had suppressed for years began to take over and cloud my mind. I was hurting and didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t want to go to church because I was scared of what I might hear or what the Lord might tell me. I was suffering silently and each day got worse. There were times when I would be driving and think what if my life ended now and I just drove off the road. I wanted the pain to end and things to go away. I was tired of fighting and living alone. I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to and I carried the fear of what others would think if I did verbalize this.
One night I was laying in my bed and began to sob uncontrollably. I cried out to the Lord like I had never done before. I told Him that I couldn’t do this alone any more and that I needed Him to pull me out. I began to tell Him that I wasn’t sure if my doubts were of me or the enemy. All I knew is that I wanted Him and for things to turn around. This night forever changed my life. The Lord reached down and scooped me in His arms and held me tightly. Within a few days I had a job offer and knew that is where the Lord wanted me. He was rewriting my story and pulling me out of the darkness I had fallen in.
He revealed to me that a relationship with Him is two sided and so much more than just reading His word or going to church. He wants to know me and to be known by me. I started walking towards this abundant life and walking in confidence.
I will not be bound by fear and shame anymore. I am walking towards freedom and bringing my past to the light. I will not allow the enemy to have a foot hold anymore by keeping things to my self. I am slaying this giant that has held a grip on my life for so long and walking away with boldness in Him.
