I never thought I would get to this point. I love missions. I love other countries. I love serving. I love other cultures. I love going outside of my comfort zone. I love being with people that haven’t heard the Gospel. I love traveling. I love living life in the unknown. I love building relationships. I love doing life with people.
I hit my breaking point. I sat crying uncontrollably not knowing what to do.
I was crying because I was upset that I didn’t want to be here anymore.
I was crying because I went to get my iron rechecked and came back with malaria.
I was crying because other people were getting to live life, and I was stuck in bed.
I was crying because I was on a new team and struggling to find my place.
I was crying because there was so much uncertainty and fear of what might happen.
I was crying because my body was physically hurting regardless of what I did.
I was crying because I thought about coming home.
I was crying because I was sick again.
I was crying because I wasn’t the strong one anymore.
I was crying because in the matter of two hours I had diarrhea eight times.
I was crying because I wasn’t sure what normal was anymore.
I sat in my bed crying trying to figure out why I was sick again with malaria and bronchitis. Why me? I turned my cries of hurt, frustration, anger, and fear into crying out to the Lord for Him to hold me and to rest in Him.
He began to say:
“Seek me. Choose me. Cry out to me. You need to rest. You can’t go all the time, you need to take time and just be with me. You don’t have to have it all together. Use this time I am giving you to focus on me and seek me. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.”
He scooped me up and reminded me this is just temporary. He asked “would it be worth it for the hundreds of people that have come to know my name for you to have gone through what you are going through.”
Major heart check.
What I perceived to be suffering is nothing compared to what He suffered when He died on that cross for me. All it takes is a change in perspective and to choose joy in the midst of suffering. Ultimately remembering that He paid the ultimate price and suffered for me and for you and nothing will every compare to when He said “It is finished.”
