It’s time that I am honest about a few things. The past month was horrible for me. I am still trying to process all that happened. I had a good month meeting new contacts and getting to do yard work. But inside I felt like I was dying. I lost all drive to want to do better with Christ. I didn’t want to pick up my bible. I wanted to stay in my bed all day and just hide from all of my problems. I was so mad at God. Why did he put me with a team I didn’t feel like I belonged? Why wasn’t I getting the funds I needed for the race? Why is my personal account suffering? Why couldn’t I catch a break?
I came on the race to better myself and grow in my faith. But I feel like I have only grown a little and have had to hide and pretend to be someone I am not. I could feel myself putting on the masks that I have hid behind my whole life. I mean it is so easy when I have hid for so long. It is easy and I didn’t want to push myself much to change that, even though I said I was going to while I was gone. I was so mad at God that I thought I could use my masks with him also. Oh I was so wrong. He saw right through me from the beginning. He knew what I was up to and He decided he was over it. That is what I needed.
I needed God to let me fall a bit. He is the best daddy for letting me learn my lesson. I can’t fool him. He knows me better than I know myself. Finally I yelled at him. I was so mad and I wanted him to hear it. I wanted him to feel my pain, my feeling of being abandoned. I mean really why did he leave me? Why can’t I feel him anymore? The answer to that is because I didn’t want to. I ran and I tried to hide. I tried to show him I could do things on my own. By now you would think I have learned that lesson. But apparently I haven’t. Once I opened up about everything to Him things started to look brighter. Things are now starting to look my way.
I am now on a team that makes me feel so loved. I am starting to get the funds I need to stay on the race. I am feeling God again. I don’t feel so left alone and abandoned. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted. I am still trying to figure out how I will get the personal funds I need. But I know God will provide again, just as he is doing for my funds for the race. I can see the end of the tunnel is coming. I am no longer mad. I am so thankful for the lesson he has been teaching me. It’s time to get real about who I really am, time to show everyone who Kaylee Stoops is. I am so much more than I thought I could ever be. I can see that now. I am so thankful for all of the stress I endured. Without it I don’t think I would have learned my lesson. Now to see what else God teaches me in the coming months.
